INSECURE, Love of the Past
Dreams of meeting Indra

After meeting Kak Tiara in front earlier, I went straight to my room. I was confused to answer how Kak Tiara said earlier. In the past, I was very envious of her, because Kak Tiara had an extraordinary beauty. I'm less likely to walk beside him.

But now, he's the one who's jealous of me? Envy this ugly girl? Especially if Kak Tiara knows I once had a girlfriend like Indra, surely more envious like her. Indra who never dared to touch me, in contrast to Brother Ivan who always nyosor.

Indra said that physical beauty is not everything. Now I can feel more confident it's because of Indra. He always supported me so that I would not always be inferior. But baby, destiny's not on both of us. And I have to lose it.

And now Ivan's brother also did not look at the physical. He loves and loves me for who I am. I've turned it down many times but Brother Ivan doesn't give up. Actually, what's inside me? Is there any magic that can make good-looking men love me?

I don't know, everyone who doesn't know me thinks I'm wearing pellets to hook a handsome guy. Moreover, the beautiful women who were expecting Brother Ivan, they always scorned me. Just like when I was dating Indra.

I opened the thick brown envelope that Brother Ivan gave me. And how surprised was I when I counted the money that Brother Ivan gave me, 30 million? For a month that I had no dependents at all. What the fuck is this Ivan!!

I think that money is so much for me whose snacks only buy cilok, batagor, seblak, baso, the most expensive yes buy martabak sweet chocolate cheese flavor. I never buy makeup or expensive clothes. Yes, although I come from a fairly well-to-do family, but mamah and papah never spoil me.

I live like a normal human being in general. I even bought 20 thousand shirts at the night market. I'm not ashamed, and I'm happy to be like that.

I don't want to be like this, because even if Ivan isn't my husband yet. I'm not good to ask him for money. I'll keep this money.

I'll wear it if I need money for emergencies only.

I'm thinking, 30 million was given to me for snacks? Is Ivan a rich man? I took my phone and called Ivan.

Tringgg...... Tringgggg.....

"Hello Assalamualaikum darling,"

"Waalaikumsalam Sister. Haven't you reached the boarding yet?"

"Udah, why baby?"

"Sister, isn't this excessive? I think this is too much money that Brother loves?"

"It's okay baby, I want all the best for you."

"But Brother, Brother is also in college and requires a large fee too, right? I don't want to believe it, brother."

"My college has been held by a special scholarship for outstanding children, so you don't have to worry about it."

"Keep paying the same boarding to eat Brother how?"

"There is a sayanggg...... Don't worry, it's halal money. The results of my hard work during part-time work in Canada."

"Oh yes, thank you very much, brother. I love you."

"I love you more dear.."

I turned off my phone and laid my body on the bed, so tired today. Without feeling it, my eyes had closed and my mind had already entered into dreamland..

***

"Darling, wake up beautiful."

That soft voice? Like the voice of Indra. I'm looking for the origin of that voice.

I faintly saw a handsome man glow. Her face was pure white and she smiled sweetly at me. The longer the figure becomes clearer. He touched my cheek gently.

I hugged her while crying. Indra hugged me as well and rubbed my hair gently.

"Darling.."

I was still crying in his arms. This feeling of longing I can no longer bear.

"My dear.. Don't cry." Gentle Indra.

Then she whispered in my ear, "You are my first and last love Mary."

My cry broke even more when I heard Indra say that. Then she let go of his embrace and wiped my tears.

"Don't cry anymore, baby. You're prettier when you smile."

"Why? Why did you save me then? I should have died. I can't afford to lose you Indra."

"I can't stand it anymore if it turns out you're the one who left. I'm sure you're strong."

"But... "

Indra kissed my lips gently. The first kiss with Indra that I hope to manifest in real nature, can only be realized in dreamland. Even so I'm very happy.

I closed my eyes, we kissed for a long time. And I feel very different from the kiss that Brother Ivan gave me. Indra kissed me tenderly, a kiss of immense affection for me.

Indra let go of her kiss and said,

"I'm sure Ivan can make you happy. His love is as great as my love as yours. Maybe even more than the love I gave you, because I'm not in this world anymore." Indra lirih

"You are always in my heart Indra, you will not be replaced by anyone."

"Thank you dear. But you must be eager to start a new life with another man. I sincerely saved you that time, because I want you to be happy. I love you forever. Please let me know, baby.. I will always be there for you even if our world is different. I love you forever..."

Indra's shadow is fading, I'm panicking. I don't want to wake up from this beautiful dream. I still miss him. But Indra's shadow is no longer there, I shouted calling Indra's name but Indra did not return.

I wanted to hug you one last time before you left, but I was afraid I couldn't hold back my tears.

I woke up from my sleep, and I could hear the voice of the Maghrib Adhan I had laid. I dream? It feels so real. Is it because of my subconscious that misses Indra so much.

Indra, I will try to love Brother Ivan with all my heart. Even if you stay in my heart forever.

Because, the more I love you the more I have to take you out of my life. We are not meant to be together, our world is different.

You are a good man and appreciate women. You are a loving and gentle man.

I cried sobbing in my room. And I immediately went to the bathroom to worship and perform Maghrib prayers so that my heart was calm and to ask Allah for forgiveness SWT.

Because all this time I have not been willing to release Indra. For two years I felt endless sadness. Now it is time for me to rise, for there is Brother Ivan beside me.

And I'm sure he won't hurt or leave me. May Allah grant my prayer for a match with Ivan. May it be Allah.

...****************...