INSECURE, Love of the Past
Disillusioned

I was still in the cafeteria waiting for the announcement on display at Mading. I'm tired of being alone in the cafeteria with no friends talking.

I saw all my comrades in arms huddling in front of Mading.. Some put on disappointed faces, some were prancing with excitement..

I was curious but I couldn't break through this crowd of people with my small body. I waited for them first, rather than my body being all sick..

In front of Mading there were only a few people, I headed straight there. See my name pass or not.

I was shocked to see the information on my name, I DID NOT PASS !!!

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WHATAAAA...!!!?

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I immediately dropped my body on the wall, I can't believe, why is it like this? Out of 8 of my friends who didn't graduate was just me? People who always cheat them.

What's wrong? I worked on the matter so easily but why didn't I graduate..? Is it because I'm ugly? Is this a model school that has to be physically perfect.?

Oh, God why? Why just me? I was ashamed, and I was prejudiced against God. The All-Knowing Thing of what is best for his servant.

Allah said in Surat al-Baqarah: 216

"You may hate something when it is good for you, and you may (also) like something, but it is bad for you. God knows, and you do not know."

My mind is fucked, so fucked. I was disappointed, angry, wanted me out of this world. I'm about TO KILL MYSELF.

It turns out this hurts more than being humiliated ugly by someone else..

What do I have to say to Mamah??

Indra I have to call him. I took the phone in the bag and I called Indra while holding back tears..

"INDRAAAAAAAA. HUAAA.. Hikzz, hikzz me, me."

Indra who heard the sound of my crying panicked.

"Mar, what's wrong with you? Why cry? I'm going there now. Wait for me."

I can't answer it. I put my phone back in my bag. I was still staring blankly ahead while leaning against the side wall of the Mading. My mind went blank somewhere.

***

I saw that there was Indra in front of me. I raised my index finger and pointed towards the paper that was on the Mading.

Indra immediately rushed to see what made me become this mess.

"Nothing Mar, maybe this isn't the best for you. School is not this, is it? There are still many who would accept you. May I drive you home."

I stepped up to follow Indra. She pulled my hand so I could be next to her and held my hand so I wouldn't feel down.

I didn't say anything to Indra, I didn't even say hello when I came in.. I really don't want to talk to anyone at all.

Mamah was confused to see me like that, Indra explained what happened. Mom understood and gave me time to myself..

I don't want to eat and do nothing, just stay in my room.

I ignored all the SMS and calls from Indra, no activity whatsoever I did.. Just daydreaming.

***

Mia, my classmate came to the house to ask me to apply to the city High School. He said he's still open wave 2.

Mamah tried to cheer me up and persuade me to go sign up and not think about it anymore.

I nodded in agreement and Mia suggested that tomorrow go straight there, the sooner the better..

Okay, I started to get up and look at the future, said Indra, the school is not just that.. There are still many who would accept me.

Mia says she'll be at my house tomorrow at 7. 'cause it starts at 9..

"Mar, tomorrow I'll hit you at 7."

"Yes Mi.. Thanks for being with me."

***

I saw my phone vibrating continuously, I saw messages from Indra to dozens. I'll just call.

"Hello. mar.. You're okay, right? Are you feeling better yet?"

"Yes, I'm okay, I'm better. Tomorrow I'm gonna sign up for town High School with Mia."

"Well, don't be sad anymore, baby. I anterin ya ya."

"Ga.. I'm with Mia if you anterin, how will Mia? Ride the angkot yourself? It's not possible that we ride a rich chili-cabean motorcycle three."

"Hehe, yes too. Tomorrow if you've gone home to my registration, yes, I'll play at home."

"okay."

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