INSECURE, Love of the Past
Childhood trauma 2

4 Years later.

After papah died mamah did not continue to send money again. Boro-boro to finance the lives of others, our lives are lacking. Luckily Auntie understood and there was no hostility between us.

After all, Aunt Lia's husband has been appointed as a permanent employee and also has a side job. Their income is more than enough.

Although papah no longer exist, but we still often visit the grandmother of papah because the grandmother and grandfather of mamah already there is no only grandmother of papah only.

In 6th grade we visited again to Auntie's place because my grandmother died. When I got there I saw my Cousin getting bigger getting prettier. Moreover, the biggest is already the 3rd class of High School which is soon to graduate. His name is PEARL or commonly called Kak Tiara actually looks like Bae Suzy.. Real pretty.

That's Kak Tiara's face. Who is not insecure trying to walk next to him with a mediocre face.

Brother Tiara is very nice person, as well as my other cousins never insult me. Only the mouths of neighbors who have no morals always comment on my appearance when they are not necessarily better than me.

A year ago when I was in 2nd grade Junior High, Kak Tiara was getting married. Mama and I were invited to come there, and I was asked to be an ayu pager. I refused if I didn't want to be a pager ayu. I don't care, embarrassed by Kak Tiara's sisters who have glowing skin and are tall.

Maybe I'm just tall with his youngest brother who is now in 3rd grade. But Mamah kept persuading me, because she said it's bad we're the only brothers they've got.

Mamah never knew that papah neighbors like to gossip about me and have insulted me. I've never told you any of this to Mom or anyone. I'm afraid of being sad and having a lot of thoughts. So I chose to keep her alone.

***

I took a long breath. I saw Indra very seriously watching every word that came out of my mouth.

"Will you continue or will you?" I asked while holding back the tears that I was holding back from earlier. I also shed my tears.

Indra hugged me and held my hand.

"If you can't tell a story anymore, it's okay not to continue." Indra said softly while stroking my hair.

"It's okay I just continue so you understand what my heart is like, why I'm like this." I continued my story too.

***

Finished in makeup I looked at my face in the mirror, there was no difference. Far from being compared to my other cousins who are like angels.

I don't see any mama around me. I asked Auntie she said she was mamah again in the back, so the committee arranged the food. Whereas I should be in front of guarding the guest book with Cantika.

All the guests were very beautiful and handsome. Naturally, because Kak Tiara married her boss who was young, handsome and stylish. His friends are not less handsome, yes married to the boss.

During the photo session, the beautiful friends of Tiara's sister looked at me with a cynical look. They whispered to each other and it made me uncomfortable. What I heard Kak Tiara said, 'That's my cousin's sister, it's okay to take pictures of her, it's also my brother'.

"But Ra, I'm so lazy to have him, ruin the scene." Answer the woman I know in the guestbook her name is Delia.

But Kak Tiara's friends came up to me and they spoke very hurtful words that didn't match their pretty faces

'You're Tiara's brother, aren't you? It is very different with Tiara and her sisters. You also do not look like your mother, I think you are a Collective child!!'

Said the Delia whose mouth was sore like a devil's chilli. I didn't want to find trouble with them, I was about to leave but the other friend pulled my hand and said,

'You don't have to take pictures with us - we're ruining the view. Not your level!! You photographed us with Tiara dong.' I pushed the woman's body.

And I who heard them talk like that immediately ran, I did not mind Kak Tiara calling my name. I went to the toilet and I cried there, I couldn't stand the tightness in my chest.

I shed all my tears no matter the makeup that has collapsed is not clear. Until the end of the show I did not return and I looked around with a face that I washed with water without any makeup anymore.

My face became dull and lethargic. My eyes were swollen from crying for hours in the toilet. I can't hold back my emotions anymore. Because it feels so painful, it really hurts!!

Mom who saw me like that asked what happened, but I didn't answer anything. I immediately pulled my hand and wanted to go home. I can't stand the feeling of being there.

I'm not saying anything about Tiara. Because he was talking to his friends. There are so many handsome men who make me even more embarrassed to approach Kak Tiara.

...****************...