INSECURE, Love of the Past
Childhood trauma

Flashbacks..

I was in 4th grade at the time. A year after papah left me and mama still can not rise from the slump. We are still mourning the sudden death of Papah.

Masah hijab shop just abandoned. There is no income anymore and just rely on our savings money that has begun to thin. Mamah was spinning her brain so that we could survive and rise like before when there was papah.

Papah is a loving father, a father figure who can make us feel protected being around him. Warm and comfortable, that's papah. He always tries to make us happy. The sudden departure of Papah really hit us very hard and very very lost.

Papah's face is very handsome and tall. But I wonder, why am I mediocre-faced and short-bodied huh? Only papah's intelligence comes down to me. In terms of physical emang there is no resemblance when mamah is also beautiful and not short for the size of women.

Papah works as a manager for a large company. His salary was fantastic and more than enough for the three of us. So the money we always saved. Papah, mama, and me. We were living in treasure at that time.

And mamah suggested to open a hijab and Muslim clothing store because mamah feels saturated silent at home only no activities. Papah granted mama's wish. The hijab shop was very selling well, until the mother hired ten employees.

Our house is modern minimalist. Mamah deliberately wants a minimalist house, he said tired of cleaning it if the big house even though there are helpers is also not enough just 1 maid.

Papah's two brothers, papah's sister's name is Aunt Lia and lives in the village with her grandmother. Because I have to take care of my grandmother. Papah loves his only brother. And Papah always sent money to his sister in the village because her husband was only a factory worker and not enough to finance 4 children.

Mama and I are always invited to visit the village of Papah, as well as meet with the grandmother of papah.

My aunt has 4 children, all of whom are women. The first is already class 2 Junior High School, the second is class 5 Elementary School, the third is class 3 SD is the same age as me and the youngest just entered Kindergarten.

My cousin is older than me because my brother got married first. My cousin is all pretty, glowing white, sharp nose and tall and slender body.

2 Months before papah died, precisely when I was 9 years old, we visited the place of grandmother. Because our relatives are having a celebration and papah asked grandma to come.

I got there Papah and mama were busy helping, but my Tante wasn't. Maybe we were tired of helping before we arrived. My aunt was chatting with the invited guests and her neighbors.

I was invited to play by my cousin named Cantika or often called Tika (The same age as me). At that time we called Auntie, we also approached Aunt who turned out to be my other cousin was also there.

My cousin was praised by the neighbors for her natural beauty and birth. They said, 'Wah don't have to dandanin also Lia tea boy is beautiful like an artist.'

Then they looked at me. The neighbors who were present there were those who had known me as well. Those who do not know me ask, "*Teh Lia, what is that?"

My aunt replied, "That's A Alan's son."

They don't believe I'm a papah boy. One of them said, "Ah the hell time is his son A Alan? A Alan Ruslan, right? how not similar? A Alan is handsome, his wife is also beautiful but kok his son does not look like a child pickle. very different with his son Lia tea, pretty-beautiful."

Deg.

I who was very small at that time did not understand and did not pay much attention to their words. I continued playing with the cantika. But somehow my heart felt uncomfortable lingering in Grandma's house.

I wanted to get home from my grandmother's house and felt like I was reluctant to meet my aunt and cousins. I don't understand what they're talking about, but they're all laughing at me. Makes me feel like a mockery.

After that, came Tiara. He greeted me and smiled sweetly at me. The neighbor said, "One more beautiful is like the new angel Dateng nih.. Indeed his son tea Lia mah pantes so the village flower. No product has failed. The prints are great.."

They also laughed out loud again while glancing at me who was dumbstruck did not understand. But the memory was clearly visible in my eyes even though I was already big and the incident had passed very long ago.

Until finally after the event, incident after event, come and turn demanding to have perfect physical beauty.

Makes me feel that a person with a mediocre face is not worthy of love, does not deserve to be loved, and does not deserve a handsome man..

"Therefore, the first time you approached me in 7th grade, I chose to be closer to Ari than you. It's because I always felt that I would only be a subject of ridicule if I had a handsome lover like you."

"I'm just gonna embarrass you for having an ugly girl like me. I could never be confident for a second, because those memories were always in the shadows in my mind."

Indra grabbed my hand and tried to calm me down.

"Now you never remember those bad memories of your past. I've always been there for you, I won't let anyone hurt you."

Thank you Indra, thank you for everything..