If Tomorrow Is Coming
Ch 36-Panik attack.

I was silent on my back, unable to do anything. I became stiff and tried to hold back my tears.

I remember the incident, when Lily joked with her friends.well, I know it doesn't matter.

I want to go home.I want to be in my room.I'm really scared to see people.whether they'll understand or not.

I'm afraid to start.I can't try, even though I can. They hated me earlier..

.

I fell silent, biting my thumb and clenching one of my hands on the table

I looked down and stayed there long enough.

my mind went wild. made me even more frightened. the hallucination came back again.everything was black and white again, silent and inaudible anything now.Even the sound of the wind.slowly everything became very dark. when my eyes are open

I was sober and shocked.

luckily, everyone was outside.

it's so creepy. I don't want it to actually happen? what if it really happened? lily's gonna leave me? really did?

oh, I still have kenzo and rion. My friend there's a lot. don't worry.how "I have a lot of people around me. So it doesn't matter if I'm left with 1-10 people".it's all real, I know none of them really understand. and it ends only leaving after.

usually when I'm scared, I'm just going to sit there and not move. I'm going to look around me without moving my head. I don't think about anything, either, I just focused everything on what I saw from my eyes, emptying my mind and quieting down slowly.

but this time I really can't control my own mind.

this is painful.I don't want to see it. Please stop...

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school's home hour

School hours are over, I rush home.no, I don't go home. I go to a place very far from home

it's like I'm on the run from a huge, creepy, evil monster

I avoid meeting people at home, it makes me depressed just by looking at them at a glance. I know it's not good to run away. But I also hate to say that I have problems. it feels like I'm a crazy person who looks normal in people's eyes

I was in a place I didn't recognize walking there like a lost child.

I continued walking until I found a large, very quiet park.I ran to that park and took off my bag, took out the HP from there and started playing that HP.

the bag I made as a pillow, I slept on the grass and played my HP while listening to my favorite music.

I saw the clock on my HP, it showed 18:57. You could say, it's already night

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at 19:58, a phone came in.

clearly visible name listed there "sister"

I picked up the phone and heard Brother Shahiro asking in a worried and anxious tone.

:"I don't know, I'm just away from home.I'm in a very big park right now, sleeping" I replied

Suddenly a whining cookie voice asked for the phone

I just listened to them and kept quiet and made no sound

:"same brother Rion will pick you up, you wait there huh?" shahiro's brother on the phone

:"no, I'll go home alone"

:"this is malem! danger.." he said again

:"no papa, do you know yourself. I'm a fight guy"

:"whatever"

I turned off the phone because I was upset.

not long after I stayed there, there was a horn that made me turn my head. It turned out to be true my guess, it was brother shahiro and rion

I tidied up my bag, and left the park obviously while playing my HP

:"the danger of walking while playing HP" said Rion took my HP

:"yes you know, flip!"

rion gave me my HP back and I went with them home

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well, I know it's not good to run away. I'm also very tired of this. It feels like I'm going to lose consciousness in the middle of the road

my mind is very deadlocked.I think, I rely too much on others until they themselves think I can not do anything without them. It is true, but also wrong.

what I hope is that they understand that I am also depressed living like this. I have been used to being abandoned, but every time I am left behind by someone I love, I will definitely be destroyed. even if it's only a few days

I know there's no harm in trying to restart what failed in the past, but it still feels weird.

just because I thought that person no longer cared about me, I immediately worried that I would lose everything that was best, and would definitely say "Once again the same thing repeated".

I'm tired of what keeps twisting, it's like dejavu and keeps it that way?

well, it ends then it ends. regret not regret that's the risk to take. I believe that he can still be happy even though I'm not always with him, even if never again with him.

I just hope he can smile big, along with the people he loves. I hope he can be happy with them. If he cries then I am also the one who is hurt.

I just want someone to be happy, not to care about myself, at least I can be happy when I see them smiling brightly, that was my dream in the past

but there's no way that I'm saying that I don't care about anything but the happiness of others. At a time like this, I just want everyone to be destroyed so that I don't have to think about anything else

after that, I will be lonely at last.

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home

:" Hanabi where are you going?!" said Mother who hugged me

:"hanabi only to the garden ma'am" I replied without returning his embrace

:"the park is far away" said brother shahiro

:"kakkkkkkk kangennn"

kuki jumped straight at me, and I caught him

:"alum ntar jatoh" I said flatly

:"welcome to my dear" he said

:"big brother's coming home" I smiled

that night, I spent all my time in the room, trying not to think about the bad things.I drew the stars as usual, looked at the sky and started talking to myself.

keep repeating myself until I'm really bored with what's going on, wanting a life that's at least had a different day.a fun day without sadness, worries, everything.there's only happiness, I want that for a second.

~ch36 finish~

sankyu!