Forbidden Love On A Full Night
Trapped by the Past

Sorry, I have to go now - so I told Ram. I got out of the truck, closed the door, and stepped towards the sidewalk, noticing Ram's gaze behind me. I heard the truck move away from the side of the road as I entered the first store I saw. When I was sure the man was gone, I went out again and started walking to another store.

I always loved shopping. Shopping is my way of celebrating happy times, or escaping bad times. Good values, quarrels with my mother, passes the selection of the races I participated in, one bad day on the field or on stage, was elected as chairman or captain in the squad, he said, a bad haircut, or a fight with a boyfriend - whatever happens, I'll take my dad's credit card and go to the mall. Maybe that explains why my wardrobe is crowded with more clothes and shoes than any woman ever wears.

I passed by the souvenir shop one by one until I arrived at a large convenience store. Arriving inside, I immediately forgot the time while taking a walk in the shop hallway. I tried whatever I saw, and finally, I bought three summer dresses - one bright yellow with specks, she said, one is deep red with a delicate white floral embroidery along the edges, and the third is deep blue with a more stylish blend of light shade with a matching jacket. I chose a pair of white sandal shoes, three jeans - blue, black and red - half a dozen jerseys in a variety of colors, four western-style shirts, a pair of low-heeled cowboy boots, and a pair of, socks, underwear, cotton nightgowns, towel room robes, and a pair of sunglasses.

I was on my way to see Ram as I passed by a figure full of cowboy hats, then came in and stood in front of a mirror, with shopping bags strewn at my feet, trying to decide between a white hat with curved edges and a brown hat with a flat edge when Ram appears behind me.

The man raised his hand and patted his index finger on the watch. "You're late" he said harshly.

And I smiled. "Based on past experience, you should have understood, right?"

"If I understand you, or we can understand each other, we'll never break up let alone be exes."

Hmm. But I think he's right.

"Which hat suits me?"

"both. You always fit in with anything."

"alright. Then I choose both."

I picked up my shopping bags and took them all with the hat to the cashier and realized Ram was following me like a black cloud. What a creepy guy.

I paid for the hat and piled it over my head, then followed Ram to the sidewalk. "So, how do I look?"

"Like a city girl wearing a cowboy hat" Ram said slowly. He hesitated for a moment and said, "You want to have lunch before we go back to the farm?"

Shaking my shoulders, I asked, "You're alone, how?"

"I want to eat. Come on, put your groceries in the truck."

I did what the man suggested, observing that the back tub of the truck was already filled with dus and sacks. I closed and locked the door and rushed after Ram, who walked slowly down the sidewalk.

At the end of the block, we crossed the street and entered a restaurant that was not too crowded with visitors. There was a long table across the door, rooms lined on all three sides of the wall.

While admiring Ram's jeans fittingly hugging the man's slender waist, I followed him to the booth at the back, by the window and sat in front of him. He handed me a menu and took one for himself.

I looked at the menu, how could I possibly eat, even just one bite, while the man, the ex-lover I still loved sat in front of me. All the memories that I had tried to get rid of with great difficulty from my mind were now coming back crystal clear as if they had just happened yesterday.

You'll never be able to forget all that, Purna. Not as long as that love is still there.

"What do you want to order?"

"I want a meat sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes, grilled for a bit. As well as french fries and chocholate shake."

"I asked for a cheesburger, fries, black coffee, and don't forget two bottles of water" Ram told the waiter.

After that, an uneasy silence spread between us as the maid went to hand over our order. I stared out the window, wondering why I didn't jump out of the truck as soon as I saw Ram behind the wheel.

Leaning on his seat, Ram looked at my face. He must have realized early on that getting involved with me was a mistake.

"Cheeseburger and fries?"

When the waiter brought our order, Ram turned his gaze to his order, surely he was happy for the disturbance - a distraction that removed silence.

Ram grabbed his coffee cup and drank the filling. "So" he said, "how long will you stay on the farm?"

"Of course." I poured sauce on my plate. "Until I'm ready to go home."

As usual, the man grumbled softly. Perhaps he wanted to know what my parents thought of their runaway daughter.

Whatever, I thought. I'm throats. "How long have you been working on that farm?"

"I think you'll like your job."

"Yes. But it's just a job." The man shrugged his shoulders. "And certainly better than prison."

I glanced silently at his left hand. "Are you really unmarried?"

"Yes my. Definitely not yet."

Huh! I raised next to an eyebrow, surprised by his rude reply. "But I hear.. if...."

"What do you hear?"

"If you're engaged."

"Who did you hear from?"

"Hinan."

Ram looked completely surprised. "I didn't know you were friends."

God, I feel the heat running from my neck to my face. "Yes, that's it. We still exchange news occasionally," I reluctantly admitted.

Ram has introduced me to Khinan at a West Java cultural arts event. Ram and Khinan grew up together, arguably they have been best friends since childhood. That woman was the right person to call when I wanted to know what was going on in Ram's life - a long time ago, a few months after we split up.

"So, is that right?"

"What really?"

"You engaged?" tanyaku.

"No."

"But ever?"

"Almost. But it didn't. Cancel before it starts" he said in the same tone as he did. "What else did Khinan tell you?"

I bit my sandwich, hoping we never start this conversation. "He said you had a problem with the law a few years ago."

Ram again curses.

"Truly then?"

"Why indeed?" He looked at me, his tone as cold as his gaze.

"It's okay." I pushed my plate, my appetite was gone.

"You got a problem with that? Afraid of an ex-criminal like me?"

Glegs!

Why did he even scold me? It sucks! Huh! Relax, Purna. Calm. "Absolutely not, really. I don't judge you guilty. You just fight and get carried away with emotions. Not a crime or intentionally want to harm people, right?"

"Well, thank you" he said sharply. "You ready to go? If yes, we can leave now. I suddenly felt full."

Hmm. I breathed heavily then nodded. "Yes." Yeah."

Ram finished his coffee, put down enough money to pay for our food, and got out of the cubicle.

Feeling very sad, I followed the man outside. I wanted to ask Ram why he never returned my calls, but I could not muster the courage to bring back the past. The journey back to the farm was long and quiet.