Forbidden Love On A Full Night
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Ram is singing. I told myself that was not the reason I stopped at the inn to read the notice board, even though that was my reason. I had been thinking about the man all night, considering the time we had missed together in that hunting lodge, he said, thinking of the possibility that would have happened between us had Emil not squandered into the cottage as had happened.

I haven't seen Ram since this morning, when the man stopped by for a while at my cabin to make sure I was okay. Now I have to decide whether to follow my heart and watch the man sing on that open stage, or hide in the cottage and see if the man will come looking for me?

Slight vibes of pleasure ran through my body every time I remembered what Ram had said the other day. That guy called me once. Ever sent me a letter. And once asked Khinan about me. But all of this happened in the past. How does the man feel now for real? Does he still really care, or have I over-interpreted those words and kisses? Maybe it was just lust? Maybe that's what happened yesterday, and all this time...?

I dressed meticulously that night, wearing black jeans and a short-sleeved black-and-white sweater I bought from a souvenir shop. I wear makeup carefully, applying perfume behind my ears, wrists, and cleavage. I combed my hair that was shiny in a polished blackwood tub, then let it slide to my back, because Ram liked it that way.

I was restless all night for dinner, too eager to eat a lot, too nervous to be quiet.

Madam Laura of course was aware of that. "Are you okay, honey?" ask the woman, with a caring tone of a mother.

"Yes," I said.

"We heard about your incident yesterday. You're lucky you weren't hurt that bad."

"Yes, so lucky, I'm so grateful." I smiled, reminiscing about the time I spent at the hunting lodge with Ram.

"Are you going to see the art show tonight?" asked the eldest Nina in a laughing voice. "Ram will be performing tonight. You'll want to watch it."

I'm nodding. "Yes, I think so."

"Isn't he amazing?" ask the little girl. "I mean, she's so sexy."

Uuuh. The girl reminded me of the sixteen-year-old Full Light who so admired Ram without shame.

"Milina!" exclaims Madam Laura.

"Oh, Mom, stop. Mom knows it's true."

"O-ow..," I exclaimed.

Madam Laura looked at me, and we both laughed.

After dinner, Mr. Heru Wijaya invited Lina and Dina to the inn to watch a movie. While me, Madame Laura, and Nina rushed towards the amphitheater.

We came early and got a seat on the front row. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I'm not even sure if I want to be here. What if I turn back to letting myself hope only to be let down again? Eight years is a long time to be apart. Just because we shared a few kisses doesn't mean Ram wants to spend the rest of his life with me, does it?

All my body hummed with anticipation as Ram began strumming his guitar. "My first song tonight was a song about love and longing" Ram said. The man spoke to the audience, though his gaze was only on me. And he started singing his songs.....

Repeatedly, Ram's gaze was on me and I knew he was singing just for me.

My body warmed up under Ram's gaze. I could feel the heat radiating down my cheek as I looked at the man, imagining myself just being alone with the man, just like yesterday....

Just before the song ended, Madam Laura leaned over and whispered, "Are you okay? Your face looks a little red."

"I'm fine," I said raucously.

I felt my legs wobbly as Ram left the stage. The drumbeat for the traditional dance followed my steps towards the hut. And as time passed, I wondered if Ram would follow me. And how much that would mean if Ram did that. I felt like a nervous teenage boy on a first date, waiting for my first love to come see me....

I almost jumped out of my seat as soon as I heard a knock on the door. That's Ram, my inner. That must be Ram.

Taking a deep breath, I put away my book and put my hands to my hair, stood up, and walked to the door.

It was true that Ram, who looked even more handsome than before. My heart was as if it were a somersault inside my chest as I allowed the man to enter. And we both got clumsy.

"Tonight was beautiful" Ram said. "Will you... take a walk?"

As soon as I agreed, I somehow felt that it might not be wise to be alone with the man inside the cabin. Even if that's what I really want.

"Is it okay with my feet if...?"

"Is it still sick?"

"Not really. I can use it to walk."

Ram smiled, and I felt silly at my question. Does he now feel that I am so flirtatious that he deliberately asked so to remain alone with him in the cabin?

Quickly I dismissed that thought. Stupid time, Purna....

We walked along the riverbank, tension was felt between us. I'm well aware of Ram's closeness. The man was so tall and so maculine, and as always, being with the man made me feel as comfortable as a woman. Excitement rippled within me as the man's hand touched mine. Hold me.

Oh... Lord....

I blushed like Purna sixteen years ago. Her happiness is incredible.

"You came to watch me" Ram said after a while.

I'm nodding. "I've always loved watching you sing. You know that." I looked up at the man. "But tonight somehow feels different."

"What do you mean?"

I put my shoulders down. "I'm not sure. Something feels different. I don't know how to explain it. It feels stronger, almost as if...."

Ram looked at me. "Continue."

"I'm not alone in there."

Ram suddenly stopped his steps.

"I think that sounds ridiculous." I stopped next to him, smiling, blushing.

"No." Ram took a deep breath, surely realizing that his tongue would be twisted if he didn't tell me what he was feeling.

"Ram...." I reached out a hand that looked trembling as I placed my hand on her arm. "Is there a chance for both of us?"

Unconsciously I asked that....