Forbidden Love On A Full Night
Determinedly

Like a stalker, that's what I'm doing right now because I can't get close to Ram. I could only watch from a distance. And actually while admiring him, as well as regretting his pessimistic attitude. He may be too self-deprecating. Though he was always great in my eyes, of course beyond that pessimistic and stubborn attitude. But I swear, beyond that, he's a great man in my eyes and I admire him a lot. He was great. The business on the farm has grown since he was here. In his own way, he tried to defend the customs and traditions of his people. Not only that, it also helps children in the countryside to feel proud of their cultural heritage. So, with all that, he should have little respect for himself and be optimistic, including in addressing our relationship.

I remembered the story Ram told me last night, before driving me back to the cottage, the night before Mr. Reporter came. She said she started working and singing for the first time on the farm after she was released from prison, Ram expresses his doubts to his aunt about performing on stage in front of people because of his status as a former criminal nara which makes him ashamed to be on stage and perform in front of the crowd. He said that the audience should have witnessed a real idol, someone great and brilliant, and not someone with a criminal record like himself. But his aunt reminded him that it was an opportunity for Ram to maintain his self-existence and his hobbies in singing, as well as in all matters concerning art and culture: a way to preserve the customs of this country. And her aunt was right. Children, even tourists and foreign tourists often approach them, wanting to know more about their customs. The teenagers of the homeland who did not know about their cultural heritage told him that by seeing the art performances displayed there made them filled with pride in their ancestors. Ram and the other innkeepers also took the time to teach them some basic steps from some simple dances. And what makes him feel most proud is when he was able to teach beginners to ride horses, as well as his skills in understanding the language of his pets, and when he was able to tame wild horses, and when the animals make themselves like friends. And then, most importantly of all, no one questioned her background, let alone her family background, and, no one knew or mocked him because he was a former criminal.

Ah, of course, all of that only applies here. But if he is with me, there will be many people who pry into his past, question his background and his family, and will mock him for his past. But what matters isn't me, right? It's not me who's gonna question and tease him. But. well, of course I will be the cause.

That night Ram gathered his gear and left the stage for the cottage. There he paced back and forth, grumbling with a bottle of wine in his hand, assuring himself that he did not need me in his life. He said he had managed to live the last eight years without me, he would also be able to get through the next eight years without me. And I feel sad. He was trying to deny that we needed each other. It is not about not being able to live, but about happiness. That's core. I'm not happy without Ram, and I know he's not happy without me.

Who is he trying to deceive? We've been trying to forget each other for eight years, but it hasn't worked, and it never seems to work.

"Shoppers!" he swore. "Eight years I've been tormented because of you Purna! Not a day goes by without thinking about you! I always want to know where you are, what you are doing, I want to know everything! You tortured me! Goddamn it!"

I cried behind a tree. It's good that he's angry. Does he think I'm not as miserable as he feels?

You tortured me too, Ram! But why are you so stubborn? Why don't you make things easier? You're the son of a bitch. Ye....

Why would you want that?

"That might be better. Even though he still filled my mind, it was still a temptation, at least he became an untouchable figure. Although it would be very painful if I knew she belonged to someone else, at least I knew she was no longer within my reach. I can't hug anymore, and I can't kiss her anymore. And maybe then I will be able to move on with my life. I'll choose one woman to marry me. He must be replaced! Go, Purna...."

My chest was filled with tightness because of Ram's huge rejection of me. Finally with a sobbing, I returned to my cottage. Inside the cottage, my knee hit a chair as I fumbled around looking for the light switch, but the pain in my leg was not worth the pain in my heart.

I submerged myself on the sofa and closed my eyes, and the regretful question again stifled my chest. Why should I go back to this place and see Ram again? Why does all this have to be so painful? Maybe my father was right, my inner self. Maybe I should have married Mr. Hartiff. We come from the same background. Both have an M.B.A from the Warton School of Business. Her parents liked me, and my parents liked her. Although he would never sing to me, or walk barefoot with me down the beach at night, he would never break my heart and would never be rude. Even if the man died after marrying me, I would remarry until there would be no more men who would dare to come to my father to ask me, propose to me and make me a wife.

Anger struck me. Why am I just sitting here and feeling sorry for myself? I was young. Smart with honorable titles. Still a virgin, even though she is a widow. And I'm not a prankster. I'm beautiful. If Ram is too blind to realize all that, he's the one who lost! I don't need Ram!

But it was just a trick. The fact is I know I need that guy. And my anger receded and disappeared quickly. There is one more thing about me, my mind grinning. I'm a tenacious, stubborn person, and used to getting whatever I want. And I want Ramana Lingga. And I intend to get it. I haven't lost, and I don't want to lose. At least not yet, and not yet want to give up.

"I'll try to get Ram back" I said, then grimaced again, determined to win.