Forbidden Love On A Full Night
So Sad's....

Without Ram I'd choose to go to bed that night. I had no interest in doing anything else, including not being interested in attending Saturday night's dance. So, after dinner in the dining room, I immediately went back to my cabin, talked to Ram on the phone, then fell asleep. We can't talk for long, which is why the power of Ram's cell phone battery was running low.

Not long after I fell asleep, I was awakened by the ringing of the phone that kept calling.

I picked up the phone on the fourth ring. "Hello?"

"Purn?"

I woke up sitting. "Mama?"

"You should go home soon. Your papa...."

"What's wrong? Papa why?"

"He's in the hospital. Her heart's in bad shape, honey."

"Oh, my God." I muttered barely. Realizing that my mother was sobbing across the street, I put all my concentration in. "Okay" I said worriedly. "I'll rent a car and go home as soon as possible. Try to calm down, huh, Ma? I'm going home now. See ya. Bye, Ma'am."

I immediately disconnected the phone and rushed down from the bed. Twenty minutes later, I was dressed, packing, and waiting for someone to drive me home to Bogor. Unfortunately, outside the inn, as I was walking to my rental car while trying to contact Aunt El to say goodbye and send a message to Ram, my phone was even taken by two teenagers on a motorcycle.

Dumbstruck. I was confused for a moment. Not knowing what to do at that time, it was impossible to catch up with the two motorized teenagers or go back to the farm and meet Aunt El who had been resting in her cottage, and it just so happened that my rental car had arrived and was waiting for me, I decided to go straight into the car and leave.

On the way back to Bogor, I was so anxious to think about my father's condition. I barely believe this. My father always seemed so strong and tough. As a little girl who was always spoiled by my father, I idolized my father. He was always there for me, comforting me when I was sad, accompanying me when I asked for his time, and giving me whatever I asked for no matter how much money he had to spend on me. I hope he will be okay and I want to tell him that I love him very much. But what if I don't have that chance anymore?

It was very late when I got home, left my things at the door and immediately grabbed my car keys, then ran outside again.

I was upset, the traffic was still heavy until late, adding to the tension that made my nerves more tense every minute. I was driving with both hands on the steering wheel, all my attention focused on the road in front of me. I must not think of my father's condition, not now on this journey, nor will I cry and disperse my concentration on the streets still crowded with four-wheeled vehicles.

I stopped at the hospital parking area a few dozen minutes later and parked my car. Taking a deep breath, I got out of the car and rushed across the parking area towards the lobby.

A receptionist sits behind a curved table. The woman looked up as soon as she heard my footsteps. "Can I help you?" tanyakanya.

"Can you please tell me where Mr Adrian Mahardika's room is?"

The receptionist checked the patient's file card. "He's on the third floor of the Intensive Care Installation."

"Thank you."

I rushed towards the elevator that was already open, stepped in and pressed button 3, then clenched both hands as the elevator moved up. A moment later, I went out and down the wide hall, followed the arrow to the ICU and found my mother sitting in a double-door outdoor chair.

"Ma...."

"Purna." My mother got up and rushed towards me.

"I'm sorry." I wrapped my arms around my mother's body and hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry for letting Mama face a situation like this."

He just nodded.

"How's Papa doing?"

"bad. The doctors and nurses only let you in for five minutes every hour."

"Mama herself, is Mama okay? Then the others, have they been told?"

I guided my mother back to the row of chairs along the wall and we sat next to each other holding hands. My mom looks tired. There was a dark shadow under his eyes, and his normally neat-looking hair was now a little disheveled.

"Oom Rudy and Aunt Linda are coming in the morning. Setya and Dini go on vacation with their children. They were camping on the mountain. It's not good to worry them and have to go down the mountain at night."

I-i understand. "Then Brother Pram?" My oldest brother, a lawyer in Jakarta.

"He'll be here as soon as possible with Niki and her kids."

I nodded weakly, then pensively for a moment. "What's going on? Papa has never been sick a single day in his entire life."

Tears were on my mother's cheeks. "No idea, honey. Your dad's in the office. She was told when she was rushed to the hospital. His secretary said your father was already lying on the floor when he walked into the meeting room, his head hitting the edge of the table. There's a pretty bad cut on the back of his head."

"Is Papa there a problem in the office?"

"No idea, honey. I hope not."

"Em, hopefully."

"The doctor said his heart condition may have deteriorated long enough. The doctor was surprised that your father had not had a heart attack before. You know, right, how's your papa? He never went to control his health as he should, never took a vacation, and he smoked constantly even though Mama had advised him, had even pleaded." It rema* my hand. "Mama was so scared."

I'm also very scared. But I have to calm Mama down. "We're dealing with this together. We pray for Papa."

My mother sobbed as she forced a smile among the tears. "Mama's glad you're here. How were your days on that tourist farm? You having fun there?"

I'm nodding. "He was there, Ma."

"Journalist? Yeah, Mama knows. He called."

"No. She's not. But Ram."

"Rame on? Your ex-girlfriend? He's on that tourist farm? Is that why you went there?"

"No. His aunt owns the farm. I didn't know she was gonna be there."

"Is he the reason you left the Journalists and cancelled your marriage?"

"I still love him, Ma. Even now more than before. I love Ram so much."

I knew my mother would be confused to hear this.

"Purna, dear...."

"Well, whatever you do, don't tell that to your father. Not now."

Conversation over!

I took my mother to the cafeteria for dinner because when I asked her she hadn't eaten, so I forced her even though she wasn't tasteful. I tried to provoke a conversation, hoping we could take our minds off my father's serious condition, but I quickly ran out of talking materials. As if nothing else mattered, especially with my father dying.

That night was long. My mom came in to see my dad as soon as we got back upstairs, after he came out, it was my turn to go in. I was surprised to see my father who looked different from his usual self. Looking thin, pale, and cold, his cheeks were sunken. It is surrounded by a monitor screen, with slang and tubes everywhere. It was a horrible sight to see.

After I went back outside, I sat in one of those hard chairs and thought of Ram. He must have been lying in his sleeping bag, under the stars. Is he thinking of me? And now I'm back here. I was afraid, so I thought about whether we really had a chance to fix what was going on between us? Our backgrounds are so different, but does it matter if we love each other? Ram is a smart man. He would have no trouble getting a job in this city if he wanted to. We could live in an apartment close to my parents' house. And I can work too. But that feels impossible. It's very likely Ram wants to live on a farm. She won't leave Aunt El who is already like her own real mother - in fact, she loves Aunt El more than her own real mother. And actually I don't have a problem with that. I'll try and be willing to adjust if that's what Ram wants. The real problem is our parents' blessing. But, I was determined this time, just like before: sooner or later, our family had to accept this relationship, otherwise...

I don't want to think about it. I love both my parents, and I know that Ram also loves and respects his mother. Somehow, I will make this relationship work. No matter what!

I blinked my tears so I wouldn't fall. But vain. I cried all night, and could not sleep until morning came. I deliberately waited for nine o'clock to borrow my mother's cell phone, to call the farm. I don't keep Ram's phone number or Aunt El's phone number in the notebook, and I don't remember their contact. I had to browse from the internet to get the contact number of the farm. As soon as I got it, I called right away.

The woman on the other end of the phone who usually serves at the reception desk greets the professional when receiving the phone call and I say I want to talk to Aunt El. The receptionist asked me to wait for a while just as I heard Ram's anxious voice and spoke in a high tone.

"Go? What does Auntie mean, she's gone?"

"Relax, Son...."

"Where did he go?"

"Auntie doesn't know. He hasn't notified yet. Last night he just returned the keys to the reception desk."

Ram cursed as is his custom. I know he's upset. I understand. He had spent the last two days, from yesterday to this second, thinking that I was there, waiting for him. Perhaps he was counting every second to see me again, but I am not even there now. I know that's exactly how he thinks.

"I'll see you later" said Ram, making me re-conscious of the situation and quickly talking to the receptionist who was waiting for Aunt El to receive a call.

I hurriedly said, "Please give the phone to Mas Ram."

But it seems my words were not heard by the receptionist. He called Aunt El and said someone wanted to talk on the phone.

"Hello?"

"Auntie is Purna" my sambar.

"Purn?"

"I want to talk to Ram. Would help?"

I can guess Aunt El waved her hand and held the phone up high as she called out her nephew's name.

I hope she turns her head immediately and sees her aunt from her sturdy shoulder. Please....

"From Purna..," Aunt El shouted.

Hope granted.

Ram took a deep breath as he grabbed the phone so I could hear his confirmation clearly. "Hello?"

"Mas, hi."

"Hi too."

"Are you okay?" my many. "You sound...."

"obvious. Because I was hoping you'd be here when I got home." He laughed bitterly. "You're starting to have a habit of always running away."

I'm hooked. "That's what I think I'm doing?"

"absolutely right? Heh?"

Goddamn bum! He pisses me off. His tone sounded scornful.

"Not."

"So you didn't run away? It's hilarious! I don't see you here."

"Mas," I said, trying to contain the anger, "if you will listen...."

"Continue, I'm listening, what's your excuse this time?"

"I'm going back to Bogor. My dad had a heart attack."

Ram swearing.

"I knew I should have left a message. But I thought I'd call Aunt El by phone, but I couldn't. My phone was snatched by people when I got out of the farm. I can just call right now."

I couldn't stand it, I cried because of Ram's attitude that considered me the same as Purna who used to be.

"Furnish, dear, forgive me."

"My father's condition is bad. I have to go home."

"Furnish, honey, listen, I-I"

"Sori, my mama called. I gotta go. Bye, Mum."

I immediately hung up the phone call and tried to hold back tears when I returned to the ICU. My eldest brother and my brother-in-law and their three children arrived not long ago. Oom Rudy and Aunt Linda arrived shortly after. They sat in groups, chatting, drinking coffee from plastic cups. I was sitting next to my mom, wishing Ram had been here with me, giving me strength, to convince me that everything would be okay. And if things don't end well then I need a strong shoulder as a place to pour out sadness. But Ram wasn't here, and as soon as he heard the man's tone on the phone, I didn't ask him to come and accompany me here.

I held back tears and forced myself to focus my attention on the ongoing conversation. I must not be weak, not now, especially when my mother needs my strength. But I don't feel strong. Just feeling sad, scared, and lonely. And to my heart ache, I saw an angry look in the eyes of my eldest brother who said that I was the cause of my father falling ill.

And it looks like it is. He didn't say hello, hug, or ask me. He also did not smile at me. And refused to look at me. I feel alien here. So alien....