Forbidden Love On A Full Night
The Trouble in My Life

The ringing of the phone in my dress pocket broke the silence. Kurogoh got my pocket and found Reyna's name on the phone screen. I knew what the girl was going to talk about before I even shifted the call-in option on the screen. But I can't ignore that phone.

"I'll take a call for a second" I told Ram. He just nodded, and I walked a few steps to receive a phone call from Reyna.

Click!

"Yesaaaaaa...!" the girl immediately shouted my name across the street. "Are you going to London or not?"

I grinned. "I can't decide yet" I whispered. "But actually maybe not. Sora."

"Basic!"

"Sori, Reyn's. And about work, you just find someone else, yeah. Sorry."

"Ah, here's how to deal with a rich lady who needs a job just to escape."

"Well, sorry. I'll go to London if I insist. But now there's still hope."

"Geez, I thought you were happy. But from your voice it seems like your circumstances are still the same. Well, fine. Whatever your decision, I wish you the best. I want you to be happy."

I took a deep breath. "Aamiinu. Thank ye. It was a long time ago, yeah. I'll call you another time."

"All right then. Don't forget to call me again. Yea...."

Tut!

Eventually the phone connection was cut off. I kept my phone and I turned around.

"What's wrong?" ask Ram. "Is there a problem?"

I walked back to him. "none. Everything's fine."

"You sure?"

"Emm."

"So on the phone you mentioned London, then about there's still hope. What does that mean?"

Huft, his ears are so observant of catching sounds. I put my shoulders down. "Yes, there's no need to discuss-"

"Do you think our relationship...?"

"Buck...."

"Explain."

"Explain."

"All right." I put my shoulders down, shaking. "See, it's just that I feel like nothing is certain right now. Nothing is certain in my life, especially in my life. Since eight years ago, I met you, and then we dated. I love you half to death, but we're finally breaking up. My life changed and everything felt empty. Bleakly. And you know, I took my parents on a long vacation, and when I came home, I found myself completely lost. My ex-boyfriend is engaged, I feel like I want to die. I hate, continue to live in hatred and blame anyone. Even blaming myself. I decided to go to college, but I kept hoping for the past. Go back to find out. Turns out you're in jail for reasons I don't know. Nineteen-year-old boy, I think maybe because of fighting over a girl with another boy. Then I made a stupid decision. I received love from my senior in college. We were dating, and he spent a lot of time with my brothers and my father. I'm not important. But I'm not angry. Everything just went so far that I felt so miserable, I felt like time was going so slowly, but there were no memories. I said yes when he was my night, then we got married. And. I'm a widow. That's how it was after. As circulation repeats, up to three times. Uncontrolled. Then finally, after going through the third post-marriage depression, I was introduced to Mr. Hartawan, I tried again to get rid of the loneliness. The doctor advised me to take a vacation, and I did more. I always traveled, sailed, until I finally accepted the man's proposal. Everything is not necessarily. In the end I gave up on the trick, I changed my mind at the last second. Escape from the altar, drive for hours, then look at the farm sign, in an instant I decided to come, to see you. Then the uncertainty in my life began again. I fell in love again, wanted to chase you again, then desperate again. I wanted to go to London, but you pulled me back to stay in place. I don't believe in any of this, Mom. I don't believe in eternity. That hope and unbelief fought hard in my soul. Sori, I mean, it's not that I don't trust you. But in life, in destiny. You see that wave, I'm like something floating on it. I don't have a clear direction. Now I'm here, but, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, who knows. I just want to live for today. Do whatever I can today, and pin hope on the future. Sorry for this attitude, Mom. But, you are my life today, and you are also my hope in the future. So too in the past. Now, I'm still here, today, for you. In the future, I will leave. It can be difficult for normal people to understand. In my resignation I have many fears that come from hope. Hope scares me. But that fear didn't stop me from hoping. Weird, right? Bizarrely. But.had it. Forgetit. Don't think. You'll come along later...."

Eyebrows sticking. "What?"

Boost. I realized my stupidity that spoke without thinking. "I'm sorry, I mispronounced. I mean. You'll get depressed. Forget it."

"Sorry." Suddenly Ram grabbed me, and hugged me tightly. "I'm sorry."

Geez, I don't know since when my tears flowed down my cheeks. "What are you apologizing for?"

"I am the cause of all your wounds."

"Mas.. i...."

"I'm sorry."

I took a deep breath. "Not to be discussed. I'm not saying that. emm, I don't blame you. I mean now, I don't blame you, and it's not your fault."

"But if I try harder to straighten things out, you won't. It won't be this broken. You won't get hurt, and feel down. I never thought that you were so deeply hurt after we broke up. I think you're a rich lady who can enjoy life, and move on with ease. But I don't understand your heart. The deepest wound in your heart. I'm sorry, Purna."

I slowly took Ram's embrace off my body, and flashed a smile at him. "There is no point in regretting the past at this point. All I regret right now is that I don't think I'm so good for you. I. widow. No self-respect. And. I realize my request to you is despicable. But I can't control myself. I'm desperate. Wanted you. I'm...." I nodded, frustrated. "I'm sorry."

"Shhh. Okay well? You're not wrong. You're not the wrong one. Me, I was wrong. But I'll learn to understand you." He hugged me back. "I understand you."

It was as if he was talking to a child. How can I agree that I am innocent? Everyone has a hand in my separation and Ram, including myself. Everyone and everyone has a hand in the depression I've been through all this time. Including my mom and dad.

Kugeleng. Sleeked. "I don't want to talk about any of this anymore. I just want to be happy. That's all." You are my only source of happiness. I don't want a doctor anymore. I don't want you to die. I don't want to get married, but I want us to stay together. My unreasonable desire....

"There can be no more tears" Ram said, wiping away my tears. "Come, we're playing water. No need to shower today."

Eh?

"You dong?"

"Who cares? I'll keep hugging you and kissing you even if you don't shower."

"Well if you say that. I wouldn't care either." I took Ram's hand and we ran to the beach. No swimming, just playing.

And I saw sixteen-year-old Purna there, with his lover, Ramana Lingga Pradita, a handsome nineteen-year-old, running around and laughing happily. To redeem eight years of hurt and bitterness, with love....