Marry The Heir
Everyone just tries

It was late enough but Disa had not been able to close her eyes. He sat on the bed with both legs bent and he made a backrest for his head bowed lethargic. Both hands hugged his own body which he patted gently.

He is trying to calm himself while digesting what is in his thoughts and feelings at the moment. After speaking with Kinar, his mind changed considerably about Kean. The notion of Kean degrading him is fading but the thought of him being so distant does not know Kean, deepens.

One oath Kean made to his father not only changed the man's life but also his decision and life. He still could not imagine how he would live with Kean with a vow between them.

Gamang and empty, these two feelings that he now felt. If what Kinar said was true, that Kean never demeaned him but was bound by his own vow, then his thoughts all along towards Kean were wrong.

Kean keeps his distance, feeling he shouldn't marry Disa because Kean wants to keep his feelings. Maybe because he knew he would meet with such a condition. Conditions where Disa is not necessarily able to accept the principle.

Principle, is the oath a principle?

Disappointed by a lover, it may heal over time and meet new people. But disappointed by a father Kean was so proud of, it was a heartbreak that Disa could not have foreseen.

Sigit ignored Kean for a long time, thinking Kean was one of the properties he could control at will. Of course, that's not something that can be understood, right?

Even if he is a child and every parent has rights over his child, he still has his own rights, right? The right to love, care and be treated fairly. Kean never got it all his life, until now Sigit has not been awakened and never once said that he loved his son, iris right?

Thinking of Kean's feelings never met its end. No, Disa doesn't even know what her current feelings are.

Iba or the real disappointment he felt because Kean never said anything about any of this. He should have known from the beginning, so that he could be prepared for any conditions. And now, what should he do? He could not even imagine the feelings of sadness and guilt that Kean might feel towards him.

In the end, Disa still could not think of her own feelings. She cares too much about her husband to the point that her thoughts are only about Kean's current feelings.

Can she now move on and see if her husband is okay?

It was as if awakening from Kean's shadow at this moment. It is true that the human heart can not be immersed to the bottom. What Disa did now, she got out of her bed. Exit the room and climb one by one the stairs to Kean's room.

His steps stopped, when he heard the sound of songs that flowed softly from Kean's workspace. The lights are still on, though not as bright as usual.

A little peek and look Kean who was sitting in his chair back at the door. His head turned, leaning against the back of the chair.

Like Disa, Kean could not sleep. 2 nights Disa was not beside him, like the girl went very far to leave him alone. Silent and empty.

He could not smell the fragrance of Disa who always teased his nose to take a sip more or listen to his rapid heartbeat while nearby. There was also no warm breath blowing over his face moreover, there was nothing of his body that he could hug tightly and make him not feel lonely.

Disa stayed away and Kean was tormented.

Armed with two glasses of tea and a plate of snacks, Disa decided to enter Kean's study. I don't know what he's going to do in there, he just knows that they can't stay like this forever. He wants to fix what he can fix. Because he knows, a dead-end and bad-tempered strangeness will be difficult to start again everything.

Kean immediately straightened his body, pressing the corner of his eyes when he heard the sound of foot clattering stepping in and the reflection of the approaching shadow of Disa.

“A, want tea?” tawar Disa's in doubt.

Kean immediately turned around after successfully controlling his feelings a moment ago.

“Hem, come here.” With a face she tried to hide.

Disa approached, put the tray in the middle of them and then sat face to face. Staring at the face of her husband she missed with the page and trying to smile. He remembered his promise that he still had to serve his husband and parents well.

“Aa it seems very tired, how not to sleep?” bring one cup closer to Kean and one for him.

“Can't sleep.” Sahut Kean raspy. He was still looking at the Disa that was in front of him, fixed.

Look, this woman is still approaching after she makes him angry to the point of crying. Actually, there's a lot Kean wants to say, but I don't know where to start.

Honestly, when Disa came out of her room, she was very afraid that maybe Disa left her. Not only did he carry his things in a big bag but he also carried all his feelings of disappointment.

But he was still lucky, after what he did to Disa, his wife still wanted to see him and see his face.

“Aa should be enough rest because aa work a lot.” Disa once sipped her tea without taking a sip of her fragrance. One thing he forgets is that he has to recognize the smell so he can enjoy the taste. Maybe because I was too nervous.

Kean smiled faintly,

“You are still worried about me when I have disappointed you.” He wanted to touch Disa's hand which was near his hand but then he paled.

Disa also looked at her little pinky who almost touched Kean's pinky, but he snuffed.

“You can hate me as much as you want, because I deserve it.” His impression with a lot of bitterness he felt.

This is what Kean, an introverted and defensive man who prefers to keep his feelings without explaining anything. Though Disa was already very hopeful, with her approaching, slowly Kean would explain what the situation really was like. But it seems like Disa still has to try harder just to make Kean express his own feelings.

Kean could not express his feelings because the people around him never wanted to know his feelings. So he was very used to storing his own feelings even though it was actually stifling. Explaining it, he never knew how.

“I've gone through that phase. The phase where I have to grieve the circumstances that make me tormented myself.”

“I just want us to talk, what we will then go through and what we should be like going through it.”

“Aa may still not believe me. Believe that I can listen well even if I can not provide a solution. But one thing we should aa remember, our burden will be reduced when we can say what our problem is.”

Disa returns to feed Kean. He noticed a change in Kean's expression that looked regretful and had trouble finding words.

Kean was stunned, looking at Disa's face fixedly. This woman could always give him peace, but at the same time give him fear. Afraid that Disa would leave because she could not accept her flaws.

“Sa, you should know that I love you very much. I also never had any thoughts let alone the intention to demean you.”

“Only, I was faced with a situation where I could not behave like a good husband.”

“You were right, I was selfish. I'm evil and I don't have feelings.” Kean's eyes looked teary. Remembering that sentence coming out of his mouth made his heart grimace in pain.

“But I have a reason. Reasons that might make you leave me.”

“What's the reason?"

"How can I know I'm leaving aa while I didn't tell myself why?”  changed Disa who was staring at Kean sharply. Why is this guy so hard to say?

“A! don't dodge, we're not done!” exclaiming Disa who stood up. Disa was getting more urgent.

"I can't sa" he avoided eye contact with Disa.

"Why?"

"Can't do it for what?!"

"I need a reason!"

“BECAUSE I SWEAR NOT TO GIVE PAPAH OFFSPRING!!” exclaimed Kean breathlessly. Her eyes were wet and her crying broke. His hands until trembling need a grip.

The sudden atmosphere of silence after that sentence was affirmed by Kean. They are fixated on their own thoughts.

“AARGGGHH Fuck!!” kean's snort bowed weakly while holding onto the table before him. As much as his energy was exhausted just to say that sentence.

He could imagine what was on his mind at this moment. Very disappointed, right?

“So, because of that?!” lirih Disa with a trembling voice.

He took his eyes off Kean, wiping his tears. It turned out that hearing it directly from Kean was even more painful. There was a lot of anger that came out when Kean said that sentence.

“Are you satisfied now sa?"

"Do you still think that you can love me like this?” lirih Kean with a trembling voice carried away in tears. He could not even stand up properly, his legs limp when he saw Disa throw a glance at him.

Disa tried to calm herself down, taking a deep breath before looking back at Kean.

“My feelings are still the same. I still love aa.” The strong words were spoken by Disa with complete confidence.

If Kean swore that he would not give any children, he swore that his feelings had not changed.

“Aa tau, the wrong oath does not need to be fulfilled.” Disa walked over to Kean.

“Papah is still alive, aa just need to say that aa revoked her own vows."

"I'm sure you expect the same thing.” On his swab Kean's cheek gently, making the deep red and wet netra look at him wistfully.

“I can't, sa.” Ogled Kean once and then threw his gaze away from Disa. He bowed languidly.

“Why?!"

"We can fix everything. One by one, slowly.” persuade Disa who is trying to reach Kean's hand.

"I can't!" Kean flicked his hand from Disa then walked back away.

“I don't want any other child treated the same as me, feeling the same rejection and abandonment.”

“I don't want Papah not to love my son. Think of it as just a lifeless thing that he can manage at will."

“Again, I don't even know how to be a father.” Kean spoke with mixed tears.

“I don't know, will he accept a father like me?"

"Can he love me?"

"Can I love him?"

"Can I be the perfect father for him?”

“It was never my mind sa."

"I'm dead-end, just to think about how I'll talk to my son?!” added Kean with a huff. Her crying returned.

So much disappointment and fear that this man kept him locked up in his dark trauma. His body trembled after saying everything in his mind and feelings.

Disa is speechless. He prefers to approach Kean. Hugged Kean tightly then rubbed his back gently.

"I know how I feel." said Disa. Yes, he understood very well the fear and disappointment that Kean felt not only on Sigit, but on himself.

“But aa must know, there is never a parent who is absolutely perfect.” Can continue his sentence stammering.

“All parents are just trying to do their best for their child.”

“We did grow up without expressions of love from them, we do not have a shadow let alone an example later we will become parents like what.”

“But,”

“We have both been at this point.”

“The point where we become a child and know what we need from our parents.” said Disa with full seriousness.

Slowly he let go of his embrace. Catching both sides of Kean's face. His eyes were still wet and shed tears. Faithfully He rubbed it gently.

"Because we know, then we can fix it." said Disa.

Kean doesn't chim. He just fell silent and looked at His face.

Is it really that easy? Then why could he feel this painful feeling? Making peace with a scary past is not easy. Every step we take is a shadow of horror that makes him hesitant to start a new step.

Why does it feel so hard for Kean?

*****