THE RIGHT TASTE AT THE WRONG TIME
MY DIARY #2

Turns out I'm Strong Enough

Today I suddenly remember our beginnings speaking so intimately as if we had known each other for so long. Long conversation when we get home from jungle. A simple conversation that has no end, a conversation that is interrupted when we have arrived on campus.

I still remember the first time you asked me "you don't sleep" and I said "you can't sleep, so you want to see the road"

I don't know what we discussed until we were on the edge of talking about our old life, about you and your love journey and me with the journey of life without knowing dating. I still remember, when you gave me compliments on my principle of not wanting to date until I found the right person. And I still remember what you said that you promised yourself that you wouldn't date again. And well I'm proud of you, until the moment we finish our education I don't find you with an illicit relationship. You are still loyal to your words by no longer wanting to date. I know it's hard for you, right? Refraining from dating while around us is filled with people who care about their relationships.

Maybe if it wasn't for the faith in your heart you'd be dating, seeing so many pairs of eyes drawn to you I'm sure if it wasn't faith you'd fall back into that relationship.

If you know, I used to be so hard to guess you, I can't tell if you like me or if you're just comfortable talking to me. I still remember clearly when you told me about the woman you've been to - the one I know and I know she's so amazing. People who have many pairs of eyes are looking at him every day.

I still remember when you took a picture with him and said "from love to lovers" honestly at the time I was so jealous but I still smiled at you and said I agreed.

If you knew at the time, I'd love to ask why I wasn't in the picture. But I realized at the time that I didn't deserve to be in that picture.

You know from the first time we talked on the bus I liked you, I liked your point of view, I liked your life principles, I liked you who always kept your word. If you knew.....

I still remember when all the girlfriends in our class were talking about you, telling me about you being so considerate to one of us. When they guess and find out that you like them. You know I just laugh even though there's a little bit of sadness in my heart.

When they ask me, because the closest to you is me. And I'm saying it because all I know is that you really like it.

And do you remember, when I told you that, I thought you'd be mad at me for telling them, but you kept smiling and saying to me "where there was ma back then now it's not" I still remember when you explained that you betrothed him to another friend of yours. I don't know if you're testing me or just trying to explain what's going on.

You tau? I can't guess you, why are you always looking for me? When you're in trouble you just want to talk to me, I was so worried about you. You know I ran looking for you but I found you nowhere. Up from the top floor of the campus dining room you screamed for me and just wanted to talk to me not with anyone else.

Not only that, though, to this day I still wonder why you pay so much attention to me even when I'm eating at class zoom when you know when I'm hiding from behind the camera and I'm sure I won't some people knew I was eating at the time. I still don't know why you were so good to me until the moment I hadn't joined the zoom class you called and sent me countless WA messages. I still don't understand why you're telling me everything, from your family, your past, even to problems I don't think I need to know about. All you tell me is like I'm your home where you tell stories and voice your whole heart. Even you convinced me that it was just me who knew and no one knew it was just me.

Why are you telling me everything? Why do you make me so sure? Why do you make me feel comfortable with you? Why do you keep filling my brain? Do you know how tortured I am and how I feel? Do you just want to play me? Why are you so brave to me? Or am I the one who over-consumes all your treatment? Am I just a paper or do you like me?

I do not understand you who suddenly send a pulse with a large nominal what else for those of us who are still sitting on the lecture bench. Without any explanation, without any words I really do not understand.

You know I've been so trying to forget you but you always come suddenly and regrow my feelings. Until at last you send a message about your desire to marry me, if you can see the look of my happy face at that time you will immediately know that I also want you, you know my world seemed to change at that moment. I see a speck of hope in my heart, it turns out that my feelings for you do not clap one hand.

I still remember when I asked you who you wanted to marry, a question I always repeated and wanted to know. I always said I wanted to help you get married to that woman. Until you said that woman was me. At first I thought you were joking but you didn't come back a second time.

You know how happy I was at the time, but I can't give you an answer. There are many things I still want to do, there are dreams I want to achieve first, there is happiness I want to feel first. And honestly I wasn't ready at the time. But I'm trying to convince you to wait for me to be more patient and I just want to see your sincerity in me. And it turns out I saw you didn't really want me.

You gave me hope as if you were waiting for me, you were always trying to find a way to interact with me until I thought that you were still there waiting for me. When my faith was so strong in you suddenly you made me realize that I was not your home. Without any words, without any words I suddenly got word that you were going to marry someone else, you know when I heard that news I was still trying to smile and laugh to hide my heartache. You know, it really hurt me what else when you sent me an invitation without explaining anything. Maybe you don't think there's anything to explain, but it's different for me. If you knew how broken my heart was then, but I knew fate said something else and I had to give you away.

If you could read my writing, I'd like to tell you thank you for being the greatest heartbreak and life lesson I'll probably never forget in my entire life.

Right now I realize that I am strong enough to look fine and put on my most beautiful smile in front of everyone. But if you knew my heart was so hurt and I don't know if I could have my heart tidied up again.