You are the Only One
31. I'm sorry, Ngga

Olavia

"What's? But, Pa–"

My sentence was interrupted by the words of Bang Oli who suddenly overtook. "Yes, Deck. I agree with Papa. I think you should focus on this one first. What are we going to do now that Owen knows you have his son. Because ... shoot, La, just by looking at Ole he must have known that Ole was his biological son."

Oh, my God. "But, right, there's nothing he can trouble with? What does he want to sue?" I circulated my gaze to Papa, Mama, and Bang Oli who wore the same expression; anxious mixed with pity.

Oh, no. Why is it on their faces that I don't want to see? I never wanted to see in anyone's face; then, now, or later.

"Pa, he can't sue for anything, can he? I signed the NDA he asked for, Pa. I shut my mouth about Ole. I gave birth to her myself, raised her myself. Without demanding anything from him. I never disturbed his life. I never wanted to disrupt her life. What can he do, Pa? What can he do about me and Oleander?"

I'm grateful that Oleander wasn't here to watch his mother lose her mind because of the presence of the man who donated half the DNA in her body. However, on the other hand, I really wanted to hug my little boy in order to convince myself that he was not going anywhere.

No. No. No. The best thing for him now is to play with Bi Jumi in the backyard. Not in the middle of this mess.

"Pa!" I again urged Papa to give an explanation as soon as possible. "What can Owen use as an excuse to sue me?"

Papa looks hard-thinking. His forehead that had started to wrinkle was getting wrinkled. Mama sitting next to him or her ************interlinked fingers. While Bang Oli, Bang Oli who is still trying to hold his emotions, paced in front of the sofa in Papa's workroom.

"Papa feels no, because you have done everything they asked, basically, by signing an agreement to keep your mouth shut and actually do what you promised so far. However, Papa feels we can never be too careful about this because the risk is too high. Oleander can't fall into their hands. He should never even be stuck in a situation like this."

The last sentence spoken by Papa was felt to the bottom of his heart. Papa's right. Oleander should never have been as complicated a part as I've created it. A child as sweet and smart as he should have a complete family, happy, and without problems. Not just having a Mama like .. I.

I feel like a failure.

"Oh, Sweetie." I suddenly felt an embrace on my shoulder. From the soft and fragrant touch that immediately ambushed, I could tell that the one who was hugging my shoulder was Mama. "I'm so sorry. That's not what Papa meant."

I-i know. I know what Papa really meant. I knew that Papa didn't mean to indicate such a thing and offended me. But what can I do? My feelings are too subtle and too sensitive not to be offended right now.

"Geek, Sweetheart. I'm sorry. Papa doesn't mean that."

Now both my parents have flanked me between their soothing existences. However, nothing can calm me down now. The emotions I felt in my heart were strewn everywhere. They have their own will, cannot be gathered into one.

Wipe the tears that know already flooded the cheeks with the palms of the hands. "I know, I know." I convinced them. "I know, Pa, Ma. But I still feel anxious. I fear. I'm afraid he'll try to take Oleander from me. I can't live without my son, Ma. I don't want to live without Oleander."

Mama stroked my hair, my back, my shoulders, anything that could be achieved by a fitted hand rubbing my body for thirty years. Mama kept whispering words of encouragement to convince me that everything would be fine.

I really hope everything will be okay. Oleander will remain with us, Oleander will not be separated from me, from oma and opanya, from Om Oli, and from his papa.

Her papa. Goslings. Not Owen.

Goslings.

Oh, no. What is now in his mind? Is he worried about us?

That's for sure. It's not Angga's name if he's not worried about the people he loves.

However, what will be inside his head when I haven't also given him the news? What was he thinking about last night, when I threw him out of the room?

Oh, my God. Why is this all happening? What does all this mean?

"I'm sorry for hiding all this from you. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. If only ... had I had a little courage to reveal it all, perhaps things would not be as chaotic as they are now. It's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay." Among sobs I apologize to my family. To the people who should be my place home. People who are listening to me want to be where I complain, share the burden, and who will be happy to help me solve problems.

However, no. I didn't do any of that.

How am I going to start forming a new family if I'm still fucked up like this myself? How am I going to build my own family if there are still others who can disrupt our lives? How will I face the future if past affairs still follow me here?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Consciousness descends and surrounds oneself.

I can't start something new if I haven't been able to solve my old problems. I will not involve Angga and make him face a problem that I should have solved long ago.

I'm sorry, Ngga. Ii'm sorry. I'm sorry for having to make this toughest decision. If I could choose, I wouldn't choose to do it, but I have no other choice. I have no other choice. I have no other choice.

I'm sorry, Angga. Ii'm sorry.

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