You are the Only One
17. Desperately Desperate

Goslings

"L-lo and Olavia have a-children. The male. His name is Oleander."

The tight grip that tore my shirt off little by little began to loosen until it finally came off. My body immediately leaned against the wall because there was nothing to support it anymore.

I can't describe how devastated I felt after saying that. Revealing the unexpected would be a ruin for myself.

I fxcked up. I fxcked it all up.

****

Owen

Oh, my fxcking God.

What the fxck did he say? What the fxck did he just say? I have kids? I had a child with a woman named Olavia.

Shxt. So the beauty's real name is Olavia.

I have a child. My son is with Olavia.

My son's name is Oleander. My mother's name is Olavia.

Fxck. I sound like a fool when I repeat that sentence in my head. However, despite repeating it many times, my brain still seems to be unable to digest this information properly.

I still feel very confused.

Does Gye have children? What's Oleander, the one Ole called by this wretched bastard, right my son?

And why did I just find out that the beauty was named Olavia? Did he name Oleander to equate the initial letters of their names? What was the reason he gave that name? Is there any other meaning?

Why do I know now that I have descendants on this earth? Why didn't Olavia tell me? Why would he do that? What's on his mind?

If I were told, what would I do with that knowledge? Will I choose to be responsible? Will I accept the existence of the baby? Or, will I get angry and tell him to drop content that I clearly never intended to happen let alone want?

Fxck. Fxck fxck fxck fxck fxck fxck fxck FXCK!

Too many questions floating around in your head. They asked to be found with the answer at once.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to answer.

My hands move themselves to the head when my brain does not give any cues to them because it is too busy giving birth to unanswered questions that end up stifling the mind. Fingers infiltrate the sidelines of the hair and divert my grip to it. I pull the bunch of strands in a grip tightly. So tight, I can feel some of them even uprooted to the roots.

Bemoan. I feel pain, but the feeling has no impact on the situation that is raging in the mind. Not to mention in the chest.

Don't talk about taste. No need to spell out what happened there. My emotions are upset, spilling over because it is so full of that little organ that has not worked for a long time.

Why can my heart that has not worked for so long suddenly light up and even spit out feelings?

****

Goslings

However, after a rethink, that is not the case. If I say that I'm down, that phrase would imply that I bow my head intentionally. It would indicate that I did it willingly.

But actually not. I didn't bow my head intentionally. I didn't do that voluntarily. I looked down because there was no more energy that could be used by my neck bone to make this head stay upright. No. gabe. There's nothing left. I told you everything was drained with breath coming out of my mouth.

I ... bowed.

Guilt and shame pushed me in all directions. Those feelings are getting stifling the chest.

Fxck.

I pulled my legs until they were both folded in front of my body. I put my defenseless arms on my upright knees. Then I put my head that was heavy with the burden of feeling on my arm.

I thought nothing could hurt my life again after I got my adored woman and the boy I already considered to be my own son. I think no one can screw up this perfect plan.

But that's what caught me off guard. That's what turned out to make me fooled. That's what ultimately ruined it all.

Self-satisfaction. Feeling invincible again.

Really shit.

I want to blame fate or circumstances. Want to feel angry and scapegoat all this to God. To those who support my decision. Papa's. Mamma. Om Arif and Mama Yuni. My best friend Oliver. However, we all know that not a single one of them forced me to make a choice.

I started my own steps. They're just doing their job as the closest people to being the all-time cheerleader for me.

Shxt. Ghe seems to have to get used to calling Mama Yuni as Aunt again.

Fxcking.

What I felt in my heart was incomparable. The pain was much bigger and stronger than the regret I used to feel when I had to leave Olavia. Wanted many times over. The pain is no longer. The pain immediately had an impact on my tear bags.

I felt my eyes heat up.

Fxck. I can't be crushed in front of this fucking cocksucker. I can't look weak in front of him.

Fxck. Please no.

I held my hands as tightly as I could, until I could feel the fingernail tips penetrating the skin of my palms and creating another pain. The physical pain I can face now. The physical pain that could be my distraction is still centered on this heartburn.

Once I feel capable enough, I hold my head up. And the first thing I saw after some time trying to hide my true feelings was the pushy expression on Owen's face.

Fxck. What have I done?

I don't know what prompted me to say my next sentence. Clearly, I woke up after Owen's raw bogem stuck to my left cheek.

I guess it's just like what they have been saying all this time. Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

And I'm really desperate.

"What did you just say, huh? Anxing emang lo, yes! I didn't know that I had children all this time and could still insist that I want to sign this adoption agreement. Really anxing lo!"

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