This Love Kills Me Slowly
this love is slowly killing me

chapter 8 therapy

sometimes I forget the real way of life, just to get people to like me, acknowledge me, and keep their feelings from getting hurt and disappointed in order to keep hurting myself, trying with difficulty, enduring with pain

sometimes living like this is stupidity

do I have another choice??

that night was just to fulfill the wish of the diah.

I have to feel the pain in me.

diah forced me to hook up, I happened to be almost 2 months out of touch, immediately I took a strong medicine and I drank, immediately I felt his reaction

at the beginning it felt the same, but there was a different I felt the breath was very tight and more and more. felt tight, my left chest hurt I tried to walk towards my bed, I tried to walk towards my bed, with the consciousness I still have

I still hear Diah's words

" aak, why "I'm afraid to see him running towards me

once the tightness and pain of my left chest, the pain felt translucent to the back of my back, making my consciousness more and more lost and my vision darkened

I don't know how long, when I realized beside me there was aak andi

it was hot and something stuck out my nose

aak andi looked at me

" how long has Dedek fainted "ask me

" just be back "

" why bring it here "ask me

" where do you "ask me again

" buy the medicine "

" why are you taking strong medicine" asked aak andi

" just talk about it aak "

"khaahhh !! adek knows your heart is affected"

I was silent, not knowing what to say

I didn't expect that I would have an impact like this

3 Days I have been allowed to go home, on the advice of the doctor I was not at all welcome to take strong drugs again

all that, I saw the look on my mom and dad's face was a little disappointed while in the hospital there weren't many words they said, just visiting me

even when at home

aak Andi came up to me, while I was in the backyard

" now drink, " said aak andi while realizing the medicine that I should drink with water

" why aak nganter, where "ask me

"he had clean room again"

" want to tell me when," asked Aak andi

"what story "ask me back

" when to take the drug "

"since the marriage "

" mang has no waking up "

" not "answer me to relax with my body leaning right in the corner of each gazebo

" why doesn't the story go to aak "

" don't know, maybe you're embarrassed "my answer

I seem to no longer care about myself, even at this time the mind is not on aak andi

the mind drifts away

" embarrassed why?? I am ashamed why "

" yach is a taboo "

"tabu akan adek, it's already big "aak andi said

" now in the future how "aak andi next word

" don't know, I'm confused "my word

I don't know what I'm going to do yet, it's impossible to say that I'm unhappy with my marriage, there will be many questions they will ask so it would be better for me to shut up

as the night went on, I only realized that her eyes were a little swollen

" is adek crying?? " ask me

" hmmm "that's just the answer

" crying why "

"diah feels guilty, she's sorry "

I'm a little surprised

" guilty why "ask me

" yes, because she took the medicine "

"that's aak's wish, he doesn't mean it"

I tried to calm his heart

if I think again I drank it but it was more because my obligation forced me to do it

time passed, time passed,

diah never again seduced me or asked me to play in bed,

ahhh pikit only for a moment I thought, but it turns out I was wrong

up to 3 months he never invited me to play again

although in my heart I feel unperturbed, but there is a curiosity in my heart in what way he did it

in bed when we slept together, she kept hugging me, she kept paying attention to me.

during the weekend I visited my parents' house

inj after how many days ago called me I'm staying tonight.

in the morning, I saw that Aak andi was having breakfast with us

after breakfast I and diah invited along with mama and aak andi to Sukabumi right in the cisaat area,

upon reaching the destination, the atmosphere is still fairly early in the morning, though,

we went to a house and were greeted by a young man asking what our purpose was

I asked the man to go into a room after I got to our destination

" had I didn't wake up" I said while in room two

" how long has it been "ask her

" since marriage 2 years ago"

" before her "

" before it was normal "

I was also asked to lie down on the bed provided in the room

my body in the massage. it hurts all

1 hour more I was in massage, after finishing I had time to give potions for me to drink

long story short, I often go there alone or alone with a diah, sometimes I can myself to walk after therapy.

but what I felt a little change, just waking up in the morning, was not as hard as when I was alone

my bed relationship is getting colder, not as warm as it used to be,

I thought she was getting tired, but we hid it from our families.

I was getting busy with my work, which I did to get rid of my saturation.

it does not feel like my household is entering 2 years and 6 months.We should have children.

but the reality is much different

I was thinking how I used to wish so much on someone even up to this point I wish I could meet him even for a moment

maybe my mood will be different

at that time I went to bandung with a woman friend of mine she named Reni, a student from the island of Sumatra quite beautiful, typical white malay, her body was petite

once in bandung I use the address given fahmi to go to the boarding house

this is my first time here.

when I saw Fahmi smiling widely and she hugged me

" the end is up also lo "his word to me

" go in" said Fahmi to let me in

and I invited Reni to come in,

something changed from the fahmi smile that was so visible to change when she saw Reni sitting near me.

" i think you yourself "his word while giving mineral water a glass to me

but all I see is fahmi just indifferently winbut me

I felt uncomfortable with this situation, until the atmosphere became momentary

" lo laper is not" asked fahmi to open the conversation

" yachh lager, "when I saw my watch, it was almost 12 p.m

" yes, the cave is looking for food first, you two have a chat here" said fahmi

" yes cave follow, justin aja reni here for a moment" I said

" no problem you're alone here "ask me to reni

"it doesn't matter, " said Reni

" you want to eat what "let me ask Reni

" it's up to you" said Reni

I follow the steps of fahmi by accelerating the steps to align with her

" you want to show off in front of the cave" said Fahmi

"show off what "ask I don't understand yet

" that's you bring all the girls here" said Fahmi

" cave with reni tenian doank" said I "was the cave clearly was the cave temen "my word again

" what are you bringing here if you don't show off "ask fahmi

"yes just a cave just aja cave no other meaning "answer me "lo do not like if the cave ngajak reni "ask me

" he.!! grotto likes you here yourself "fahmi said

"okay!! cave apologizes "

fahmi was just silent we were busy choosing food in a food stall not far from the kostan fahmi

all the way home after buying food we didn't talk much

I was busy with my thoughts.

after eating this, I plan to go home

after eating and taking a short break at exactly 1 am I go home

fahmi just escorted me to the gate of her boarding house there was no word just staring at me

this cold attitude became a burden on my mind,

I regret the decision to take reni to bandung, hoping that the warmth in my meeting with fahmi will run aground

after 1 month passed I went back to bandung to meet fahm.

I'm on my own now

upon arriving at his boarding house, a man opened his door

her age under me may still be high.

wearing only a boxxer beetroot bare chest, I saw red on his chest and neck but soon he covered it with a cloth.

" look who "tanya pretty cool, white body cool

" emmmm fahmi there is "ki said, there is a hot feeling in my heart, it feels tight to my chest, but I do not understand why, my feeling exploded with anger feeling disappointed

but my brain says my heart tries to calm me down, why with my feelings, why should I be angry.

fahmi's out of the bathroom

his attitude was flabbergasted when he saw me

soon I was living in that place I didn't know what to do and why I should be angry why I should be disappointed

my hands are held firmly by the fahmi I want to brush her off but can't

and pulled me into his room

I saw the boy was ready to go. His room was without mess

every boy went to shut his door and sat down near me

" the cave with him has nothing to do with"

I don't care because I didn't ask

" he's the cave's sister just humpang semalem here"

" what's wrong with your friend, how can you nginep here "

" temen cave at the end of his boarding house he lives boarding house 2 so it is full "

:" ouuhhh "that's my word

" you see at the end of the hostel "fahmi said

" why are two sampe nginep here "

" now again the entrance exam "

" why do you explain this to the cave "ask me

" yes lo is suspicious ma cave "his word

" who suspects ???"

" why do you run away "ask fahmi

" yes because you don't want to disturb your teaching "

"la was suspicious "fahmi said "the cave has told you..!! the cave wants to do it only with people who like the cave "fahmi said

" you don't know your heart, maybe you like it "

I said while standing, but before I stood perfectly my hand pulled fahmi until it fell on him

" what the fuck.." before I finish talking fahmi's lips stuck to my lips,

I quickly pushed her body away until I moved away

" lo what "ask me

" this is what you want "he said

" lo crazy what "i said while continuing to rub my lips

fahmi immediately overstimulated my body, my energy was not strong enough to push it.

until my lips became his target

I kept revolting in trying to escape me, until my efforts were not in vain

" what's the matter!!!" ask me who has stood away

" you like caves!!! " his word

" this is what you're looking for from the cave, "I'm silent, my brain is screwed

" just answer honestly!!! " said fahmi started to stand up I was a little bit away

"lo was jealous of that boy "I don't know what to say

I walked quickly to the door and tried to get out of the room kosan fahmi

" you are a hypocrite!!! " fahmi said while shaking my hand

" try to be honest with yourself "fahmi said in an annoyed tone

I took off my hand and walked towards my car.

I didn't understand what I was going through, my brain wasn't able to think normally

I saw Fahmi trying to get to me but I quickly moved away from the place.

along the way I tried to understand my heart, what I really said

and was it true that I was angry at the time

I live the music for my journey, when I'm about to enter the toll gate I think I still have time to return.

and this is my chance

and yet!!!!

is this what I really want

my heart doubted

when I go further

I'm gonna lose her

maybe this relationship won't be the same again no matter how much I try to cut it down

I turn my car

yet again, doubt was in my heart

if I had come back

is this what I really want

if he was, until when I would walk with him

and what about my parents

I don't want to lose her but on the other hand I never want to have a serious relationship with her

just as a friend, just as a brother, but why does he think of me more