This Love Kills Me Slowly
this love is slowly killing me

my lost childhood

"adiiii" pangil my mama

" yes mamm" I answered immediately out of the room in my casual clothes that morning

today, the holiday is long enough that I can get together with my parents

I am the 4th child out of 4 brothers. 2 women and 2 men

brother 3 a man I call his aak, the distance between me and my aak is quite far adrift 10 years

especially with children 1 adrift 20 years

" how about your wedding preparations" said mom

I was silent for a moment, my feelings drifting somewhere where the discomfort arrived was present in my heart

"the proposal is over" I replied

" dowry has also been bought"

" you're kind of really depressed" my papa said in between conversations

"you're sure of your choice" asked my father

' sure paaa" answered me by bowing my face and throwing my face out the window

I wanted to cry I wanted to scream, but I also had no reason to do so

she is a beautiful woman, she is also so sincere in love with me, no matter how many times I insult her, I camp her, many times also she persevered to accompany me,

feeling tired while with her, made me tired to keep running away from her and finally I gave up and married her

I drove my car alone to the ciletuh area of Sukabumi

pretty far from where I was at the bogor, once there

I let go of my eyes far out to sea

with the wind blowing I hope that all the burdens of my heart come loose here, forget about you, erase all traces of you so that I can go even further

I lost track of you, when I tried asking!!! in the slightest, there was no answer about you that I got.

you hate me so much, though,

so far away from you that I can't reach it.

in a matter of time, in a stretch of distance you seem to have never been here

I am the 4th child of 4 brothers, my father is a middle officer in the police, my mother is a housewife, although sometimes he often does small business

my mother is 100% sundanese, Bogor, while my father mixes sundanese and oku sumsel

I lived in Baranangsiang Bogor from elementary school to college.It was a glimpse of me

dannn

there was an incident when I was just 10 years old,

in my parents' house, there were 2 female servants and 1 male

I used to call him a cook in my house about 40 years old

and bik eius he was a cleaner and cleaner including washing and ironing aged about 30 years

they were both neighbors around my house and when all was done they were allowed to go home, although sometimes they came in the afternoon when there was work or my parents asked for it

while 1 more maid, a man I often called her aak asep and he stayed with us

his age is around 20 years maybe more

he's a neighbor from my mother's village cigombong, with 5 brothers he's son to his 2 parents odd jobs, my parents are pretty good, my parents are pretty good, hired her father as a rice field worker belonging to my parents, as well as fixing her parents' house to be habitable, as well as other assistance

aak asep was here as a worker tending the yard, washing my parents' car and guarding the house when my parents were not around, or even if there is other rough work such as if there is a leaky tile or even if there is a damaged floor.

I had no idea what he was thinking at the time.

at that time I came home from school, in my red white uniform, the distance between home and school was not too far away and I used to walk with my peers.

by going through the garage I'll be at the back door,

seeing me go home aak asep who initially lay in the gazebo and immediately sat staring at me from afar,

my typical little boy put my backpack down and opened my shoes, by then I had seen him approaching me,

and as I stood with my little body he hugged me from behind

and smell all my body scents,

" aakk..udah amused ha ha ha ha ha ha ha" yes it did feel amused on my neck as he kissed there

"so cute "that was the word at the time

the opportunity he always took advantage of when the house was quiet until I began to get used to his treatment

time passed until Aak asep began to dare to enter my bedroom, both at night and in the morning

in a time when all are not there inhabitants,

understandably aak andi he studied in Jakarta and lived with my first teteh

and the 2nd teteh lives in bandung together with her husband

dissatisfied with just kissing me, he headed further

for the first time when he persuaded me to play his lollipop

at first I was so disgusted to see it

but persuaded by his coercion was successful, with very forced I do that makes me no appetite, and it makes me feel uncomfortable at home, he said, sometimes when I go home from school I do not know where to make my body sometimes hold hunger and again forced me to return home

and his next incident

that afternoon

he tried to enter my body.

it was the pain of the heat that made me cry, and the yelling held back the pain

and my heart was really messy then, I didn't know what was going on with me when it was dark, my mind was empty.

when I realized that I felt pain in my back, my bones hurt when I moved, but I was wearing full clothes

I tried to walk to the bathroom because my body felt so smelly and disgusting

in the bathroom with my pain is not my CD there is a blood spot stuck there. I knelt crying so so that I do not know why crying. there is a feeling of destruction, there is a feeling of destruction, there is a feeling missing from me.

when I came out of the bathroom the clock was still showing at 3 pm

this house feels lonely

until I fell asleep again, exhausted and in pain,

that night I stayed in my room until I came to see me,

" why do you call mama silent "ask aak andi

I was silent just silent

I'm afraid I'm really afraid the pants I'm wearing feel wet

and that I know it's my blood.

in fact, before this incident, Dieus had asked in a suspicious tone why my body and neck were filled with red patches, so did my gym teacher when looking at my neck full of red marks

I don't understand just answering mosquitoes.

and when Aak Andi was holding my body, I had a fever

my mother immediately went into my room and held my forehead

I know how many times that night Mama walked into my room and checked my body temperature.

when it sounded dawn.unlike usual I heard the sound of a car on fire

" adii change his clothes first" said mama

I changed all my clothes with a little fear, but my mother came out of my room

I immediately put dirty clothes into his place, and there are still blood spots on my CD

" adek can walk or aak gendong" said aak andi

" where do you go "ask me

" want to go to the hospital" said aak andi

for 1 week I was in hospital, and during that time I did not hear news about aak asep

after I came home I just found out he ran away from my house, but my parents did not suspect a little why he fled, because no 1 was missing from my house, except for my childhood which was just a whimper .

it changed all my life, my relationships, I became quieter, and I withdrew from the association except for group work, I just got out of the mix, and I started to close myself

until stepping on high school, I met a man named Fahmi,

he was moving from his house not far from my house, and 1 school with me, he said,

his mother's 3rd wife and he's an only child

early 1st grade I only knew him but not too familiar because we are different classes

entering the 2nd year I 1st class with her and we also began to be familiar in addition she is quite slang. many girls who like her. she is an expert in playing basketball, she is an expert in playing guitar, playing guitar, but there was no feeling in my heart

my best friends are no more than 3 ikbal, Edwin, and Ari, although I changed home children I still like traveling with them.

until entering the year 3, I separated from my group, and here I began to get familiar with fahmi

my closed heart began to open, my frozen heart began to melt

there are some girl friends who expressed their feelings with me not the slightest bit of my heart moved to dating

but as I found comfort, my heart began to long for me when I was far from her.

though my house is not far from his only 500m but he often contacted me

and I often go out the night with just the two of her

but until parting ways with her I never had a dirty relationship with her

at that time we held an event after the national exam, at a place in Cidahu Sukabumi

there was a girl who was close enough to me, many thought I was dating her, she was named puput

on the day leading up to our group of 8 people were all in pairs

2 my friends agus and fahmi playing guitar, there is a small ugun fire in our middle beside her there is a girl named goddess who is quite tacky with her

seeing that my heart is a little jealous but I tepis it plus beside me there is a puput that is also sticky and a little romantic in often giving food to my mouth.

I saw the sharp gaze of fahmi towards me, the rhythm of his guitar became incompatible with the song he carried

yes me and puput were busy with our jokes together, while laughing together

suddenly arrived the guitar that fahmi held was released and he died that place, which made everything in it including me surprised

after being lost in the darkness, I caught up with the fahmi behind her

he stood staring far ahead that looked dark only city lights at the far end that look flickering

the night was getting cold I approached him

we were silent for a moment

" why are you here!" ask fahmi

" don't know!" answer me

I don't know why I followed him either

" lo's dating with the puput" she asked

"don't !!"answer me briefly

" so friendly "his word

I didn't answer just being quiet

"lo just give hope kedia "I'm silent

he looked towards me

his breath was strong enough that I heard his breath

" lo cute!!!" words surprised me and looked at me

" and that's not your reason for hurting people's feelings or giving hope "his word is sharp and firm

" who gives you hope!!" my word

"lo!!!" her word "lo's attitude makes her wish "her word again

" remove him if you have no feeling "I throw my face to the side but fahmi attacks me again with words

" or you like him "

" i don't have any feelings "I replied firmly

" remove him "his word

we both kept quiet

I was so late in my own thoughts

I wonder if maybe fahmi likes puput

yet there is no courage for me to ask I fear his answer is he

either my heart is calm when two are near me. I know he often glances towards me but I do not know what he thinks

"you're dating a goddess" I asked

" he...!!" my heart ached hearing that I was disappointed

"oooo congratulations." I replied.

" it's been a long time "his answer is relaxed

accidentally when I glanced at the eyes we met

" why do you see that" he said

" no ahhh, that's why look at me like "my answer

I smiled to myself, throwing my face away

the two of us went back together to where the others had gathered

I sit back next to the puput and so does the fahmi

there are 3 tents that we have brought

2 For girls 1 for boys

in the afternoon, we returned to Bogor