This Love Kills Me Slowly
this love is slowly killing me

chapter 5 the struggle

my marriage did not go according to my expectations.

the biggest problem is within myself .

I'm trying to understand myself, though,

something stuck in my heart, but I didn't know what it was

ever since I had sex with my wife for the first time

his attitude was getting spoiled and to me, what else when we were only 2,

although not every day we do it

but the one who always started coding was my wife.

when the hard code he gave, I asked for a moment to him

I get out of my bed, I eat medicine first,

5 minutes, up to 15 minutes it will react in my body

I hugged her body, I played what I thought needed to be diah began to swerve her body

his breathing is heavy, though,

I quite managed to make her happy, make her happy

and so do the people around me

I can make them like me, make them happy

when my mother asked me to get married

" adii, don't be too often setting gonta change girl boy, not nice view of the neighbors "

" he's a mamm..."

I followed my mother's wishes

but on another occasion

" if your mind is fixed with a proposal he wants"

I just kept quiet

and when all my brothers are gathered together at the time of Eid al-Fitr

all 2 of my parents were there, all asking when I was going to propose

they asked me to bring her to my family's show.

" we'll give it all to mom and dad when to propose to him" I replied

she just fell embarrassed

3 Days after her my parents came home

after a few days in a mood

the news of me applying for diah also spread to the family of my aunt uncle and cousin

they're all happy, happy to congratulate me,

yeah I've made them happy, though,

in their eyes I was a real man

just like tonight, I'm back to making my wife happy

"aakk...aakkk.." he repeatedly called me,

his two hands reached the bed linen in the grip very firmly

his head was slightly raised above his closed eyes

a little bit he called me, he said,

" aakkk.sstttt "sometimes she bit her lips while keeping her hands clutching.

I know when he started calling me

I won't be feeling it much longer

twitching on his body part by gripping the strong weapon I use, along it will feel warm in my weapon

and after her self will be powerless.I still have not reached my goal, after 2 hours of battle I have not felt my point of achievement

again

" aak..capek, poignant have a diah" I want to maintain my selfish.

but her agonizing groan continued to sound clear in my ears

I'll take my gun

the swamp wanted to explode in my chest, as if there was a bomb inside it

" nyutt.nyutt" the pain in my head

crisscrossed into my back

this feeling tormented me, after lying down for a moment did not solve the problem

I got out of my bed, walked around my room with no thread on my body, after he came out of the bathroom

I tried to solve my problem with my hands

my hands began to feel sore.My weapons began to feel painful

what I was waiting for was not present

maybe 1 hour I just reached the top

after washing my body with warm water

when I came out she was asleep,

I lay down my body, looking up at the sky of my room

I wanted to ask why this was happening in my life, so easily I made people smile, made people happy

why can't I make myself happy

as hard as it is to be happy, what I am looking for, what I need in order to be happy

after I waited long enough there was no news from the fahmi.

my soul is lonely, to campus is just routine

just make people around me like me,

if I do not go to college they will ask why, if the ipk does not satisfy this way just can not even though there is no other activity besides learning how to do this

khaaahh life is too much of a demand

from the demands of ourselves to lead others who want to be treated well

" aunty afternoon." when I got to the auntie tati business.

"ehhh adi." said auntie tati when she saw me.

the auntie walked to the back to pick up a canned drink and some food and put her in front of me

" someone can help" he said as he sat down before me

I didn't immediately answer my head lowered

I was confused as to what to say and where to start

added near us there are some aunt tati employees

they are busy serving customers who come

" if there is something you want to say two with aunt, aunt wait adi tonight at home" said aunt tati who saw me go awry

"what time does auntie "ask me

"emmm at 8 aunty wait at home "

I soon left that place

in a matter of 3 months I don't know anything about you,

actually I want to shake things off about this taste, anyway,

you are the only one I have in my heart

many hearts tried to greet me, but all passed without leaving any trace for me

not not not not trying but tired of my heart that makes me give up to keep pretending .

when I came home from the place of worship that night.

I deliberately turned a little past your house, though,

this is what I often do when I come home at dawn, I want to know if you're desperate there

and this time I did it but did not want to see you but whether the auntie tati has come home

once I got home I served the scabbard I wore with my trousers

after 8 o'clock past 5 minutes I headed home with my matic motorbike, a car in Maron's red was scattered in the garage.

after saying greetings and mosque bell,

a woman in her 50s came to open the door

" mistress just got to "her word on me

I also sat waiting for my aunt

drinks and food were in front of me

auntie Tati came out in her casual clothes

sitting in front of me

" how are you "his words while smiling

" good aunt "

" khaaahhhh aunty tau to your wish "said aunty tati

" why aunt was wrong what "i asked

" that's his message to auntie "

I'm down, I'm down,

" adi is not wrong really, the decision to move was his decision" said aunty tati.

"aunty didn't force her that's her will "

I'm still quiet

I still think I haven't given up

"tante adi wants to meet his aunt briefly "

" hey!! aunty knows your feelings, aunt also know the feelings of aunty children "said aunty tati

" if the decision wants to be with you!! auntie won't ban it!! it's also his decision to split with adi "

said auntie tati calmly

auntie tati looked at me

" hey!! this is the best for you !!! "

" adi comes from a good family!! devout family worship "say aunt tati again

he I admit that, my parents are fanatical with religion, my father is often an imam in the mosque, often asked to recite a prayer when the neighbors around my house have a celebration, he said, and my mother in her old age became a naji teacher for children around my house,

and I almost 5 times always go to the mosque

" he doesn't want to hate his "next aunt tati said

" adi wants to see her aunt" my eyes are glassy

" no more "word problems

aunt tati silent

" he is not sangup near adi" said aunty tati

"why aunt is wrong what "ask me

" adi is not wrong but aunt also can not help ! it's for adi's good "

I came home disappointed

I miss my heart, I hope it will be answered

I brought .motor matic I rivet the city.bogor

I don't know what I'm looking for on the street.

when I got home, at 11 p.m., I roamed around long enough

I threw my body in bed,

I don't know what to do, where to take my heart

I woke up when I heard the sound of a mosque near my house,

I see another 10 minutes of dawn

I prepared myself to walk the mosque

at the mosque my father was already there

in the mosque I used to meet my childhood until high school

but when we met we only talked soberly I only gathered with them when we had a high school reunion was 1x at idulfutri time, the rest I rarely gathered

I paddle my bike around the house morning after dawn habits that I usually do right

I felt that someone was following me, as I looked back with his bicycle helmet and slightly bowed his face I was not so clearly looking at him, but I feel so familiar from his body

he pedaled his bike rather quickly towards me,

because I feel like it's not something I'm waiting for I don't care about

when he came next to me, he smiled at me.

I stopped my bike suddenly until I almost fell, stared at him in disbelief, I got off my bike and walked up to him

I misbehaved in front of him, I didn't know what to say

his smile still keeps him off by still staring at me

"semalem cave to the house" said his

" hahaahhh!!" I raised my face in disbelief

" but you don't have "his word while getting off his bike

" go where semalem "ask her

aki was silent not answering

" when did you come here "ask me

" not long after you came home from the cave house "his reply

" from what time "ask me

" emmmm afternoon at 4 o'clock" she said

" why you came home "ask me

he looked towards me

" lo introgasi his cave kayak bokap lo aja "his words while staring at me

" sorry "my word

" mama asked me to go home" she said

we both sat on the street

my heart was joyous to see her near me

" why do you want to know about the cave "he said sharply staring at me as if not blinking

my body was hot cold and suddenly my brain became dead

" why are you silent!!! answer it "

" the cave doesn't know why "

" you love caves!!! "

I was surprised to hear this question and I didn't know what to answer

I don't know if I really like it or not

I don't know what this is like, like it as a friendship or love it in a romantic way

I don't know if I have to answer what I'm doing is silence

I was a predatory victim in my childhood, I honestly admit

I tend to deal more romantically under my age, but no matter how strong it is I brush off that desire.

" why silence from earlier "ask "yachhh already if so "fahmi said while standing up

" where are you going "ask me

" go around again" she replied

" lo girlfriend who is now "was wondering while pedaling a bicycle slowly

" there is no "my answer

" who is "who asked me

again he looked at me I did not dare to stare back at him

" you're a girlfriend there "ask me again

" there is a !!!!" her answer disappointed me to hear her

" a long time ago "ask me

" already!!! therefore the cave moved there so that it gets closer "ouuhh that's the reason you moved" I said

it felt as if my heart was trying to reciprocate his gaze, and I saw him switching his gaze forward to speed up his bicycle paddle

there was a wide distance between us

I just assumed he was lying to me, but I don't know why he had to lie.

and when I'm near her I don't want to talk about it anymore

after wandering around the housing where I am

fahmi also invited me to breakfast chicken porridge that often hang out there

it's been a long time since I've eaten with him it's been almost 6 months since he decided to move to Bandung

" you change no yes "ask me then

" he is.." answered him.

" why don't you know the cave "

" emang must be yes." answered her casually.

" yes" I was surprised by his words

I'm confused what to say

" the cave is wrong with you ya "ask me

" he. ." again I did not expect the answer

" what's wrong cave "ask me

shut up until breakfast porridge was finished fahmi did not answer my question

I repeated the same question again as we started walking away from the place

fahmi remained silent

"