The Substitute Woman on the First Night
Deep Regret

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After arriving in the living room, the awkwardness increasingly makes me reluctant to sit on the sofa. But I feel like I have no other choice. So, I had to put aside my trauma for a moment and keep seeing it, even though there might be fears that I still have difficulty eliminating.

"Mas, what's it like to see me?" I started to open the conversation first after Mas Denis was still silent while looking at me without saying anything.

Right now, I can see a different look on his face. Besides the blackened eye bags, Mas Denis's face was no longer as bright as the last time I saw it. It made me think that what Mom said was true.

"Mom, can I talk to Lissa four here?" Denis said with hopeful eyes. I became more and more curious about what he wanted to say until my mother could not hear.

"But what if there's a mother here? You're here to get me!" I immediately answered the request while looking hard at Mas Denis face before I switched to see my mother.

"It's okay, Lissa. You guys take Keisya to your room so you can talk to him, but remember, Denis! I don't want anything in the hospital to happen again." Before leaving while carrying Keisya who has been carried by my mother since coming to the living room with me, I gave an ultimatum first to Mas Denis and it really relieved me. At least without me having to say it, she could tell that I was traumatized by what happened in the hospital that time.

"I don't have much time, Mom. I'll be leaving with Delano in a minute."

I deliberately said that so that Mas Denis immediately expressed what he wanted to say before Delano came. I don't actually want him to know that Mas Denis is coming to see me right now.

"I'm sorry, Lissa. I had to force you to return by making a request from Mira an excuse. Now I'm sober, Lissa. I shouldn't have pursued the past, I should have learned to love Mira like you said back then. I'm so sorry. Now I no longer have time to fix it because Mira is gone."

"I'm glad you finally understand all that, Mom, but who says you can't fix it? You still have Keisha, she is the titipin from Mira that you must take care of. Love him, Mommy! You should be a good father to Keisha." I tried to calm down Mas Denis who is now starting to sound crying.

"I can't, Lissa."

"Why, Mas? Who says you can't?" I spontaneously asked that question when Mas Denis was so pessimistic about my words.

"Because seeing Keisya I really feel guilty for making him lose his mother. Seeing Keisha, I remembered all the mistakes I had made with Mira. I'm really sorry I wasted it. He shouldn't have had to go through such a dangerous pain if I could make him happy. But what I'm doing, I'm just putting him under pressure. She took too long to keep her own grief and think of all the treatment from me that could never love her as a wife."

"It's not just your fault, Mommy. I'm also guilty of forcing Mira to replace me on our first night. So, now all we can do is keep what Mira entrusts to us. I think that's the only way to make up for all our mistakes." I'm trying to ease Mas Denis' burden. At least by saying that he did not fully feel that everything that happened was his fault.

"It also started with my mistake, Lissa. Had I not thought too much about virginity as a condition to be my wife, I'm sure you wouldn't have thought that far. I am too naive, after all why is it with a woman who is no longer a virgin. I shouldn't have made it difficult for you with my wishes. Though virginity will only feel sweet at the beginning of marriage and once living the household we will definitely forget all that with all the problems that occur."

"It's all my fault, Mom. If only I had dared to be honest with you back then, it would not have been like this. And, it's possible that Mira won't get the dangerous disease that took her life." I exhaled violently as well. It felt like the burden I felt was really tightening my chest to the point of making it difficult for me to breathe when I recalled that time. The time when I made a big mistake to make everything that was going well, now has to end improperly. Almira's death was indeed an inevitable fate, but it was my fault. Mistakes I shouldn't have made.

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