My Love Journey's
I forgive you.

People always say that the things you want most will come when you stop hoping.

Until two weeks ago, I was still waiting for Paul to come to me. Often I sat staring in front of the window, hoping he would show up in front of my house, or at least call. I imagined him walking on the sidewalk and knocking on my door, I opened the door and said, "What took you so long?"

I wait, I hope, because he's the man I love. I waited because I knew one day we would get a second chance to start over. I believe time will erode the disappointment, anger, and hurt I feel. So, I waited. I kept waiting until I felt like a fool.

I saw days, weeks, months, even years change and everyone was living normally, except me. I was thinking what it would be like to wait a lifetime and I didn't like the idea. That's not fair, is it? Here I hope while Paul is busy with a life that might be fun without remembering me. The thought was always disturbing until she showed up at my sister's house. On my birthday.

When Sebastian asked me out six months ago, I turned him down. My reason is because he's the uncle of one of the patients at the hospital where I work. I feel it's not worth doing. Then, two months later he came back to take me out, and I just because he didn't give up. At night I cried like crazy remembering that Sebastian, who doesn't know me very well, would struggle, so why would my husband leave while I know he loves me? Sebastian again asked me to accept his offer for the third time, when I said I loved someone else. He asked, "Are you with him now?" And I said, "No." I feel like an idiot.

So, when he asked me for the fourth time, I accepted. I think it's time to stop waiting. It's time to move on. Then, suddenly he came.

When in the end I gave up and chose to give others a chance, his arrival seemed to offer new colors that I wanted to see. Seeing Paul come back made me remember how much I loved him, how deep I fell in his trap, and how hard he affected my mind. I know that I still care about him, still love him... But, he's too late...

"Sorry, I have to bring Kevin,"

I turned my head and found Sebastian looking at me with a gloating expression from across the table. He took us to a pretty good restaurant in the middle of town. I remember when I first met Sebastian, I thought he was pretty handsome. Sebastian has thick dark hair, hazel brown eyes, and a friendly smile that makes anyone happy to see him. His niece, Kevin, looked similar to him. Kevin's mother, Sebastian's older sister, takes care of Kevin alone after his divorce from her husband. And, Sebastian helps look after Kevin while his brother works.

Kevin is seven years old and suffers from Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. Sebastian and his brother take turns taking Kevin to the hospital for chemotherapy, but most of Sebastian who takes him because he works as a part-time broker, he can do his job from home.

"Oh, it's okay," I said, smiling at Kevin who was drawing next to me.

"Are you okay?" ask sebastian, take the fork.

I'm nodding. "Yes. I'm just a little tired,"

He's observing me. "Well, it doesn't matter if you don't want to tell it."

I looked at him. How could I possibly tell her that the man I had been waiting for had just reappeared in my life? That the man was in my house when he picked me up? That man was my ex-husband? Sebastian doesn't know much about Paul, all he knows is that somebody hurt me. He doesn't know my whole story with Paul and I don't want to talk about it while Kevin is in our midst. "Sorry," I muttered.

Sebastian smile. "No need, Bianka. It's okay. That's why we need to know each other."

"You're a good man, Sebastian." I said, smiling back.

"That's what people often say." He squinted, teasing me.

"Hey, Uncle, look!" muttered Kevin, picked up his picture book and showed Sebastian.

I smiled at their interaction. My heart is at peace seeing Kevin getting the full attention of his uncle every time they speak. Unasked, Sebastian becomes a father figure for Kevin and not all men are able to do that. I really admire him.

I tried to focus on the present, but to no avail. My mind keeps remembering Paul who may still be in my house. Oh, my God, I can't escape that thing, okay?

Louis texted me and said he was going to Panda's house. He doesn't know many people here because his life is still in Germany, only once every few months he visits to meet Mom, Dad, and me, and he must be bored alone at home.

Paul may have gone home.

I breathed a sigh of relief as Sebastian stopped the car in front of my house. "Thank you for tonight, Sebastian," I murmured solemnly. I know tonight would have been different if Paul hadn't come before Sebastian picked me up. He appeared and shook my entire life in an instant. It's so unfair.

"Either. Come on, I'll take you to the front of the house" he said, unbuckling his seatbelt.

I was about to say it wasn't necessary but he got out of the car first, while Kevin fell asleep in the back seat. He opened the car door for me. "Thank you for accepting me" he hissed, making me smile. "It's not in vain that I'm waiting for you."

"You're sweet," I said shyly.

He took both my hands and held them. "I really like you, Bianka."

I looked into his eyes, but all I saw was Paul's face. Goddamnit! "Sebastian..."

"I know," He interrupted. "I'll give you as much time as you need" He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. "Good night."

"Good night." I smiled, standing at the door as Sebastian stepped into the car and drove away from my house. Then I turned around and went inside the house.

I feel burdened. I haven't cared much about the other things in my life for the last three years. Nothing excites me, nothing makes me feel anything but longing for Paul near me. I've been scared, happy, and angry for a long time.

I jumped when I heard someone knocking on the door. Is that Sebastian? Frowning, I turned around and peered through the peephole and my heart thrashed as soon as I found Paul standing outside. I gulped, threw my wallet at the couch, took a deep breath and opened the door.

He was still wearing the same clothes as before. Jeans, t-shirts, and jackets. His stout body loomed before me, I'm sure he was sporting desperately to accentuate all the muscles in his chest and the tantalizing-looking arms behind his shirt.

"Hello, again" he said as I said nothing.

"Hey," I said awkwardly.

"I hope it's not too late to talk, yet,"

I shook my head. "Come in,"

He stepped up and I closed the door behind him. I can't believe Paul is actually here. My home. How much time did I spend imagining this moment? I always thought that if this moment came, I would jump into his arms and all the trouble would be over that very second, but now he feels like a stranger. I think time made us change. Or am I changing? I don't know.

I knew Paul must have been confused by my sudden change in attitude. It wouldn't have happened if yesterday my father hadn't crammed a series of advice about love into my brain as if he were an accomplished poet. After returning from the hotel where Paul was staying, I found that he was waiting for me at home. "If you've forgotten him, then there must have been another young man who met me before today. And, if Paul no longer loves you, why did he come all the way here? Listening to the reasons won't make you lose, my dear. It doesn't matter if you don't want to go back to her, but at least you can stop guessing why she disappeared. Shut up, listen, decide. It's easy." said my father ending his long talk yesterday.

"You want coffee?" I asked while walking into the kitchen. He's tailing in the back.

"Can." I began to busied myself while trying to reduce the tightness on my shoulders, until he cleared his throat. "How are you?"

I turned my head around. "Well," I said as Paul took off his jacket. I narrowed my eyes as I caught something on his right arm. "Wow, new tattoo?" my question is, the picture is not too clear because it is partially covered with the sleeves of the shirt.

He followed my direction. "Well, that's it."

"Cool look on your arm."

"Thank you."

I poured the coffee into the glass, added a little sugar and cream and sat down next to it. In my kitchen, I tried to keep my distance because I didn't want him to touch me. One small touch, then I'm sure my common sense will jump out of the window and we'll have to talk first before that happens.

"How was your date?" ask slowly without seeing me.

"It was good," I raised the glass and took a sip of its contents slightly.

Paul raised his eyes. "Are you guys serious?"

I cringe. "Have you come back here to ask about my personal affairs?" reply asked.

He's hardening his jaw. "No."

I paused for a moment to observe him and asked, "Why did you come, Paul?"

"I'm coming for you" he replied without hesitation.

"Do you realize three years have passed? Where have you been all this time?" sharp bursts.

He's nodding. "Yes, but my feelings for you haven't changed one bit, Bianka. I love you, still love you, and will always love you."

I took my eyes off her, struggling to hold back the tears that were beginning to spread. "You hurt me."

"I know," he murmured. "I'm sorry, love. Please forgive me."

I silently looked at my glass while thinking of something to say. Days changed weeks, months, years, then repeated three times and I went through it with great difficulty. At the beginning of my return to Indonesia was the worst time of my life. Every day feels like trying to drown me. Sometimes, on many occasions, I can't even get out of bed.

Right after my dad found out about my relationship with Paul, he packed all my stuff and took me to Indonesia. I can't work for a few months. There was hardly any food in my stomach, though my father and Louis pleaded many times. I lost interest in anything but sleep. Sleep was the only way I could forget my problems and not feel pain, at least for a few hours.

I realized I still love him. I had already fallen too deep into him, and it was not easy for me to get up after he destroyed me, after he left me while I was still in a crumbling state. Everything we went through together seemed to vanish that very second, and I couldn't forget what he had done. At least for now.

I cleared my throat, then looked at him. "I've forgiven you, Paul."