My Love Journey's
The First Wave End.

I don't know what time it is. Paul and I were lying in my room in a quieter state after a hot activity based on strong feelings of longing and anger that was still stirring. Of course, I'm still mad at him. Paul's narrow way of thinking pisses me off half to death.

"I shouldn't have touched you, Bianka" she said softly, more like a whisper.

I shifted to embrace her. "Calm down's. I'm on birth control." I muttered trying to unravel her fear. Paul was afraid I would get pregnant because he blew his passion inside me without any safety. But, I had already taken anticipatory steps, long before we had a fight.

I could feel his heartbeat beating violently under my palm. Then Paul moved and sat down. Hearts shriveling. "Paul's..." I tried to grab her hand to pull her back to lie on the bed, but Paul refused. He sat down on the edge of the bed, sweeping his fingers against his hair. "Paul, come... There's nothing to worry about. I'm not gonna get pregnant."

He suddenly stood up, instantly arousing a sense of panic within me. "Paul's..."

"I just want to go to the bathroom for a minute, Bianka." He turned his head while smiling faintly, I could almost say a sad smile. He was still at war against his own will.

I gulped, a little worried he'd leave me again. Then I nodded once. Satisfied with the answer, I curled up under the blanket and closed my eyes while my ears caught the sound of the bathroom door rattling.

A few minutes later, as I was about to step into dreamland, I felt the presence of Paul joining me under the blanket. I can say I am proud of my surrender to him, but I also understand why he still seems to keep my distance from me. It might be too naive if I thought our relationship would be okay after tonight because the reality is not like that. Without realizing it, Paul was building a wall to separate us.

"I'm sorry, Bianka." His hoarse and deep voice somehow always calmed my hearing. She warmly put one kiss on my back.

"I've forgiven you."

No other activity occurred after that because I immediately fell asleep in Paul's arms, until the next few hours I heard the sound of my muttering roar on the nightstand.

I looked at the side of the empty bed beside me and realized Paul was not beside me. "Paul?" Call me while throwing a glance around the room and walking to the bathroom. But I still can't find him.

A moment of anxiety rubbed my head as soon as I realized I didn't see a single piece of her clothes that I remembered last night strewn across the floor. I grabbed a clean t-shirt and short pants from the closet and put them on, then hurriedly went downstairs.

My forehead frowned deeply because I could not see Paul in the whole corner of the room in my house. No doubt, he must have left as soon as I fell asleep. Oh my God... How else do I have to face this stupid man? I felt sad, empty, and angry at his childish behavior.

In a hurry, I reached for the phone to call his number, but all I received was the operator's answer.

***

Somehow the process, I can not remember clearly until now I was in front of the fence Paul's house, was parking the car, then shot down as fast as lightning and pressed the impatient bell.

My gaze was fixed on Pablo who was chatting inside the fence with some well-built security guards. "Pablo!" call me, move my hand to ask him to come closer. With a confused look, he stepped towards me.

"Miss Becker, what's wrong?" His eyebrows were clinging as he watched me closely.

"There's something I want to talk to Paul about. Now." Now." Without even intending to do so, my tone sounded even more harsh and I hope that he wasn't offended.

"I, uh.. should I help you call her?" pablo asked, looking over his shoulder.

Paul wouldn't want to see me if Pablo called him. I need to meet in person to wake up that stupid brain. "No, don't call him. Please, open the fence and let me in." I said in a trembling voice.

I don't have time to think about how I look right now, all I need to do is talk to Paul immediately. After what we discussed yesterday, I didn't expect him to leave me again. I mean, if Paul didn't want to continue our relationship, he should have said it clearly, not just gone while I was sleeping.

Pablo seemed hesitant. But he knows me, and I'm not some crazy person who's gonna make a fuss in somebody else's house. Looking at Pablo who was still silent, I tried once again. "Please, this is very important..."

He watched me for a few seconds before nodding his head then opening the fence and letting me in. I could hear Pablo reassuring his partner that I wasn't a threat as my foot stepped toward Paul's door.

I swerved into the house past Paul, clearly looking like a flamethrower on a wheel running by myself. "What the fuck? Why would you do that to me? Sleep with me and just walk away like people don't know the rules?" my spurt while crossing with an angry look that I believe is very obvious.

He sighed in despair and closed before turning to face me. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't have done that last night." He gave me one concerned look that made me snort.

My throat was blocked by various emotions that were now covered in anger. "But we did. I'm asking you to stop acting stupid, Paul. I'm serious!" I said start with excitement. "I told you I want us to forget everything, restart what should have been between us. I've forgiven you. Carmen, Lucy, and Louis are no big deal!"

"How could it be that easy for you to apologize to me? Don't you feel like I'm fooling you in the least?"

"I'm mad at you! Every time since you told me about everything in Russia, I've been mad at you! You won't know how much time I've spent digesting all of that, thinking about all the possibilities that would happen to our relationship, and I always end up at the same conclusion... Ilove you. And I don't want to end this relationship, do you understand?"

I was silent as soon as I realized what I was telling him. I told her I loved her in the midst of a violent emotional turmoil. Embarrassed, I couldn't look into her shocked eyes.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down before returning to look at her and speaking in a more human tone. "I hope you can respect me a little more by speaking clearly, not just leaving. It hurts, Paul."

"You... You love me?"

"Yes. It's not my strategy to seduce you. If you don't want to continue this relationship, tell me clearly. I'm a grown woman, a breakup won't kill me. I can face it. Just don't say some kind of nonsense 'It's for your own good'..."

He nodded and took a step towards me. I nervously waited for him to say something, whatever it was, other than to look at me. "We shouldn't have sex in such a drunken state." he said.

I took a deep breath and nodded in agreement. "That's already happened, there's no point in discussing that anymore."

"I'm sorry for leaving you, Bianka." the snoring was smooth after being silent for a moment. "I don't want it myself."

"Lantas, why did you do it? Just because you think it's a mistake?" my cetus raised an eyebrow high, implying I needed an honest answer from him.

Paul put his hands in his hair in agitation. "Because I have to leave you."

"Did you hear when I said I loved you? I don't want you to go, Paul. Tell me you're not gonna do that or I'm gonna get out of here right now. Trust me, I must have completely disappeared from your life. You'll never see me again."

His mouth opened as if to say something, but not a single word was spoken.

"Paul?" I pressed her gently, my heart breaking in every stifling second.

Just as I felt hopeless and realized the harsh reality that Paul did not want me anymore, he pulled me into his warm embrace. Which is always warm. No kisses, just one hug I need as a place where I can find peace.

"I don't want to leave you, I can't even do it."

I smiled with satisfaction and hugged her tightly. Then I pulled out and asked him to say his point clearly. I'm throats. "Then, what's the status of our relationship now?" I asked with my eyes looking into his eyes.

For the first time in Russia, I can look back on Paul's cheerful smile. "We're doing fine. You're mylover. I'm sorry I hurt you, Bianka. Really, I'm stupid for doing that."

"Forget all. I forgive you..."

Instead of saying something, Paul cupped my face and kissed me.