My Love Journey's
Heart To Heart's

Me and my friends were still at the club and I was standing at the toilet door, waiting for Camille.

It's past midnight. After talking to Paul for a while, I completely lost my interest in any drink. Even my cocktail I gave it to Red who happily accepted it.

My consciousness slowly returned even though I still felt a little dizzy. I tried to relax and enjoy the music that was heard up to the hallway where I was standing at the moment, while my mind was still filled with Paul. I'm sure he's also being tormented in the face of our problems. The impact was clearly visible on his lethargic and lackluster face, as well as thickened eye bags. I doubt he can really rest well.

I turned my head when I heard the sound of the door opening. At first I thought Camille was coming out of there, but what I saw was Paul's face coming out of the guy's toilet door. "Hey," I lightly stroked as she straightened up as she stopped in front of me. "I was waiting for Camille." I quickly continued speaking, pointing to the door of the ladies' toilet.

"Oh, okay." He cleared his throat, not implying that he would soon be back in the club.

I could see the debate in her eyes as she looked at me. I want him to give up and talk to me, instead of stepping up and leaving me again. "How was your night? Pleasant?" ask me gently, hoping she'll take a minute.

Paul turned around for a moment, his jaw hardened. Then he stepped forward to brush off the distance between us. "I didn't know you'd be here tonight" he admitted with dark eyes that night kept watching me. The tension between us was almost unbearable.

I tried to shake off the awkwardness by putting on a sincere smile for her. "I didn't think I'd see you either." I said.

"How are you?" tanyanya slow.

Not to be arrogant, but I know he still loves me, no doubt. I also feel like she is asking how I feel about her now through her sentence. I put my back against the wall and folded both hands on my chest. "May I be honest with you?" I said while laughing.

"Please."

"I think I'm fine. I don't know what would happen if I didn't have a loyal friend." I muttered without looking into his eyes. "You've hurt me, Paul. You just left me. Why did you do that to me?"

With his head down, he took a deep breath. "You left me too, Bianka. In Russia."

"Oh, please don't equate that with your departure. I left because I needed space to think, digest everything that had happened, while you completely left me. What do you think I'm feeling right now, Paul? You know, when you came to my house that day, I had intended to forgive you and forget everything." I shook my head in frustration while trying to calm down.

"I need to get away from you, Bianka. I couldn't look at you and say goodbye" she said, our gazes meeting again. "I'm sorry."

"Then, why do you want to end our relationship while you don't like the idea yourself?"

"I told you, it's for your own good, Bianka." He looked down again, putting his hand in his pants pocket.

"Well, you're wrong." I protested. "There is no easy life. When I'm with you, I feel like more good things happen than all the problems. You thought my life would be easier if we split up and maybe you were right, but that doesn't mean you have the right to decide anything for me. This is my life, Paul, I'll control it."

Paul listened quietly, then chuckled while grabbing my hip. He led me to the end of the hallway and away from the front door of the toilet. As soon as we stopped, he pulled his hand back and cleared his throat.

"I'm a lousy guy, I'm too selfish and just put you in trouble" he said forcefully. "I love you so much that I don't realize that you hate my life. I honestly don't want to lose you, Bianka. But that's all I can do to keep you calm and happy. Do you know..."

He was obviously very desperate at this moment. I couldn't hear her chatter for longer and chose to cut off her speech by cupping her in the face and kissing her. I could hear a stifled growl in his chest before he returned my kiss and pressed me against the wall while gripping my hip.

"Damn, Bianka..." He groaned, kept kissing me. "You must forget me."

Although his mouth was clearly asking me to leave, he did not stop our activities in the club hallway, there was no sign he would stop. I raised both my hands along her thick hair, while my heart felt a momentary relief.

"I can't forget you, Paul. I don't want to end it all. Please, don't worry about me." I smirked on his lips, making him chuckle softly.

"You're really stubborn..."

I kissed him back to express how much I missed him and express my sincere feelings for him even though I knew Paul was already aware of that. "Come, come home to my house." I snored after putting a brief kiss on her cheek.

He was silent, looking doubtful while his hands were away from my waist. I looked up when I saw he was about to retreat.

"Vinka..."

"Stop worrying about anything, Paul. We can get through this. Do you think I'm too weak to withstand the pressure?" I said, trying to persuade him.

"It's no small matter. People will continue to bother you, whether for good or bad purposes, you will not be able to survive with all that attention. Not to mention the privacy that will be forever lost from your life, and what about our ever-colliding schedules? It's confusing, believe me..."

"I told you, don't worry. Do you want us to leave here or not?"

Paul watched me for a few seconds. "Are you drunk?"

"A little dizzy, yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't realize what I'm doing right now. Look, Paul, please stop acting like you don't care about me. We can talk things out quietly in my house, okay?"

I felt a rush of relief as soon as he nodded his head.

***

Now, Paul and I are in my kitchen. I relinquished my higher-rights and kicked him to the carry-on counter and galloped to grab a glass. "You want wine?" I asked Paul.

I heard a little silence before he spoke. "Do you have anything harder?"

I looked over and found him leaning against the kitchen door. I slowly nodded while smiling softly. "Yes, I have tequila. Wanna?"

"Yes, that's all." he muttered and turned his gaze away from me.

He looked extremely agitated, confused, and desperate. I wanted nothing more than to make him calm down and feel better. I know he's at war with himself who keeps trying to keep me away from him, but I honestly say, I want our relationship to improve.

I took out a bottle of tequila, poured it into two empty glasses and took it to the dinner table. Just as I was about to turn around to pick up the lime and salt in the kitchen, I noticed Paul who suddenly walked past me and grabbed a tequila bottle from the counter.

I frowned, then froze silently as I watched her unscrew the bottle and drink tequila straight from there. I grimaced, salt and lime instantly evaporated from my head.

"You don't need salt or.." I asked nervously as he took the bottle out of his mouth and put it back on the table.

"No."

"But tequila is more delicious if..."

"I know how to enjoy tequila, Bianka. I'm not a fool." he said with a gasp of breath as he slid one hand into his hair.

I massaged the base of my nose while exhaling heavily, facing Paul would not be as easy as I imagined. "Okay." I replied, challenging him to continue this shitty activity.

I grabbed the tequila bottle from his hand and gulped it down so much that my throat was burning. I groaned at the heat flowing down into my stomach.

We continued to do it in turn without saying anything until we were completely drunk like crazy. But I did not stop admiring him. My eyes continued to be glued to his dazzling handsome face.

"I slept with another woman, Bianka." suddenly after a few minutes we moved to the living room couch in my house.

I turned my body to face him. Vigilance spread throughout my body. "Again?"

"No, Bianka. I mean, Carmen." A single sigh of relief escaped from the sidelines of my lips when I realized he wasn't lying. I'm also grateful that at least he's willing to talk to me right now, even though I'm sure it's the impact of a bottle of tequila that's left a little.

"Oh, right..." I nodded, letting myself get lost for a moment in the darkness of her eyes that I missed so much. I blinked slowly and continued talking. "We were just dating, and there was nothing serious about our relationship back then, right?"

"You're too generous to respond to that" Paul said in a softer, more relaxed tone. "I'm the only one who messed up our relationship, Bianka. I forced you to agree to publicly announce our closeness, even before you felt comfortable around me. And then, Carmen came along, and you know how it ends."

I frowned. "Paul, who has passed, let it pass..."

"Why are you so persistent in forgiving me and forgetting everything? What are you looking for?"

"What do you mean?" I asked cynically, not happy to hear his question that seemed to demean me.

"You heard what I said, Bianka. I don't know what your intention is to maintain this complicated relationship. I'm just a selfish guy who will keep you in trouble. There's not the slightest bit of good you can find in me" Paul explained, sounding very confident in his words.

I sighed then took a sip of tequila and handed the rest to Paul. I had enough alcohol in my body today.

While Paul received the tequila bottle from my hand, I answered his doubts. "You make me feel safe and comfortable. I'm happy when I'm with you, I always laugh at the little jokes that come out of your mouth. I really don't want to part with you, Paul. Maybe you'll think I'm interested in your wealth, and I can't..."

"I know that's not what you're trying to keep me for." he grunted rudely. He looked down at the tequila bottle on his lap and came forward to put the bottle on the table.

"Why don't you want me to forgive you? I want us to forget about this and start over. Don't tell me you don't want that?"

"I want you to be happy, and..."

"Stop!" my sambar is lightning fast. "I'm always happy when I'm with you."

"How about I sleep with another woman when we're officially in a relationship? Will you still forgive me?" Our gazes clashed, I could catch a hint of loneliness and longing flashing through his eyes.

"You won't do that, I trust you." I said with confidence. "Forget about Carmen, you don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to get angry. I can understand our situation at that moment."

Followed by one breath, Paul nodded weakly. The next few minutes there was no sound between us. We just kept staring at each other until Paul looked away and shifted. "It's late, I have to go home."

Instead of letting her get off the couch, I brushed aside the distance and cupped her face with both hands and kissed her hard.

"My company is sleeping tonight. I miss you." I murmured softly, almost whispering.