INCESTUOUS MARRIAGE (Blood Marriage)
CHAPTER 13 - INCESTUOUS MARRIAGE

IM.13 DYSTHYMIA

LULA

A few months later...

The longer my stomach grows. The age of my pregnancy is getting older, making me impatient to wait for the birth of my second child. I've been through a lot over the last few months. In addition to losing my son Adrian Ma and parting ways with my husband Albert Ma, I also lost my good friend Joshua who has helped me a lot. It feels so hard to go through unexpected things alone. But I'm so grateful to still have good friends like Felicia and Joshua to help me.

At a time like this I think back to my past. At that time I was also living all alone and going through difficult times without a husband beside me. My condition when I was pregnant Adrian Ma was not much different from the current one. I was both in a difficult position and faced inner upheaval alone. What is different is the circumstances, the place and the person beside me. If there was Joshua beside me, there's Lucas and Felicia who always help me. But Felicia is a career woman who can't stay in one place. Although he was always attentive to me, but he often traveled abroad. So I spent more of my days with Lucas who settled in Singapore than Felicia who came and went as she pleased.

At first I thought Lucas was a man who couldn't be a friend. Because all this time he is better known as the rich Bad Boy whose thoughts are difficult to understand. But after staying one roof with him and having days with him, he was not what the people said. Not only was he very kind to me for giving me a ride home while Felicia was abroad. But he also treated me very well like a brother. Even he behaved and said more politely to me than to Felicia. Even though people know him as a playboy man and have been imprisoned for immoral cases, even though he never did anything bad to me. So that I who had not long lived one roof with him felt quite comfortable and used to his presence.

"Lula, do you want to go out this afternoon? I didn't go to the office today. So I'll take you wherever you want." Lucas, who had just come down the stairs, asked me who was sitting quietly in front of the television.

I who turned to him was silent for a moment considering that I had been sitting at home for too long. All I do is relax and sleep all day. And all I saw was the walls of the house and the garden around it. Makes me who has not felt the urban atmosphere for a long time, suddenly want to go out of the house. With doubt I replied, "En... Can you take me around, Lucas? It's been a long time since I've breathed air outside."

At once Lucas chuckled as he walked up to me. As he stood beside the sofa I was sitting on he said, "Are you sure? Usually you will refuse when I take you out of the house. But this time it's you who I want to keep out of the house."

"Don't count too much on me. I just want you to take me around, Lucas. Not spending me."

"If you want to shop, I will accompany and spend you. Did you forget that I have a lot of money?" Lucas said in a seductive tone mixed arrogantly.

I smiled faintly at his joking remark with that haughty mixed teasing tone. Then I said, "No need. I don't want to bankrupt you for spending me and my baby-to-be."

"Not to worry. I can still spend hundreds of women at once. So today I'm going to buy you everything you want. Including your baby's equipment that will be born. Haven't you prepared all that yet?"

"Yes, I haven't bought anything in preparation for my delivery."

"Then change your clothes! We'll go shopping once you're satisfied around town."

Immediately I shook my head as I got up from my seat. As I stood before him I said, "No. I don't want to change clothes. I just want to get out like this."

Lucas was silent for a moment while looking at me from head to toe as if he was judging me. Then with a doubtful face he said, "If you don't want to change clothes, at least you rub a little lipstick on your lips so as not to look pale."

"alright. Just a minute."

***

Along the way around the city of Singapore, I kept staring out the car window. Not much has changed in this city in the last few months since I escaped from my household troubles. Everything still looks the same, as well as my feelings that hold millions of memories. Not only did sweet memories from when I was a child to a household appear in my memory. But also the bad memories of me losing Adrian Ma and fighting with Albert Ma back then. Making me remember it all felt a headache.

I was trying to get all those memories out of my memory because I didn't want to feel sad. But the more I tried to forget it, the more I remembered the things I didn't want to remember. Even the word "Fuck Woman" that Albert Ma once said to me used to ring back in my ear. Making me who was fine, suddenly shouted, "NO...! NO. - NO...! I'M NOT AN UNLUCKY WOMAN...! ADRIAN...!"

Hearing me yelling suddenly, made Lucas who was from earlier driving the car calmly feel shocked. Spontaneously he turned to me for a moment, then looked for a place to pull his car over on the side of the road. In a panicked tone he asked, "Lula, what's wrong with you? Did something happen?"

I didn't respond to Lucas' question that seemed to worry me. I was dissolved in my own thoughts filled with hatred, anger and excessive fear that came together. When the car he was driving was parked well on the side of the road, Lucas said again, "Lula, what's wrong with you? Why are you suddenly shouting?"

"N-no... No. gabe... N-no... I don't know. Those words... Those words... It's so filling my ears." I replied with a trembling body without looking at the face of Lucas who was still sitting beside me.

"Take it easy, Lula. Be calm! I'm right next to you." Lucas stretched out his hand and grabbed my frightened shoulder.

"I don't want to hear that word anymore. I'm not a fucking woman. It's not me that Adrian's missing. Mum-not me... Not me..."

Lucas, who had only been embracing my shoulder, was now hugging me from the side. He stroked my hair gently and said, "Sssssst... Calm yourself. You don't have to be scared and panic like that. There I am here. Tell me, what's going on? Why are you suddenly like this?"

The hugs and caresses Lucas gave me made me feel better than ever. I who used to feel so chaotic was now a little calmer when I was in his arms. Although those hurtful words still ring in my ears and the guilt towards Adrian Ma still haunts me, but I can breathe better than ever. And I haven't responded to all the questions, Lucas said, "Lula, this isn't the first time you've been like this all of a sudden. Is something bothering you? Don't let yourself keep anything alone, Lula. It's not good for your mental health as well as your baby. I know you've been through a lot of hard things. Say what you want to say. I'll be your good listener."

I took a deep breath while releasing Lucas' embrace from my body. Then I leaned my body on the front passenger seat of the car for a while. After my heart and mind were calmer I said, "I don't know why it's like this. I often experience a sudden chaotic feeling. Earlier... I felt fear, anger and anxiety at the same time. All the bad memories also appear in my memory. Did I make a mistake, Lucas? I'm sorry if I've done something that's out of my control."

Lucas, who was sitting next to me, looked at me for a moment and asked, "Lula, don't you remember what you said?"

"Did those harsh words really bother your mind?"

"Yes. The words of Albert who said that I was an unlucky woman often ring in my ears. I also often remember the incident where I lost Adrian. I always feel scared and anxious whenever I think about it."

Lucas looked back at me without saying anything long enough. He looked at me with a hard-to-understand look, making me feel uncomfortable even asking, "Lucas? Why are you looking at me like that? What are you thinking?"

"He'em... Lula, I was sorry earlier. If I say what's on my mind, I hope you won't be offended."

"Tell me what you want to say, Lucas. I won't be angry even if you insult me."

"No. I won't insult you let alone say bad to you. I just wanted to take you to a psychiatrist."

"Psychiatrist?" I made a sound with an unhappy face.

"Don't misunderstand me first. I took you to a psychiatrist just to check your mental health. Because I think there's been something unusual about your attitude since you got home from Bhutan. When you look okay, your attitude can change instantly like a person is scared or angry for no reason. You who are now are not like Allura who I used to know."

Hearing Lucas's words comparing my old self to my present one, made me feel annoyed. With a flat face I said, "Allura and Lula are of course different. Although you guys said something was different about me, but I'm sure that I'm okay. En... It's possible that it all happened because of my hormones that were unstable during pregnancy. So you don't have to take me to a psychiatrist to get checked out. Everything's gonna be okay."

"alright. If you don't want to go with me to check yourself, that's okay. I hope it all happens just because your pregnancy hormones are unstable."

****

LUCAS

Several times seeing the strange attitude of Allura Gibson during my stay with me, made me who cared about him feel worried. His often chaotic and volatile mood to do some things beyond reason, making me who saw him also continue to think about it. Allura Gibson who I knew once was a smart, elegant, cheerful and very pleasant woman. But after she experienced domestic problems, she turned into a woman who was moody, not passionate and difficult to understand. When he remembered the bad past, he not only cried out in fear as if he had returned to the past. But he also often messed up my household and damaged my belongings when he was unable to control his fickle emotions.

Feeling unbearable to see him who was tormented and also curious about what happened to him, made me decide to check the health of Allura Gibson. At first he refused to take me to see a psychiatrist who was my acquaintance. But after I persuaded him long enough, he finally wanted to go with me to check himself out. He checked for a few moments in a special room. When he finished it and sat in the waiting room, I entered the psychiatrist's room to see my friend.

"So what brought you here, Lucas? As long as we're friends, only this time I've seen you come to my workplace." Isaak asked me who was sitting in front of him.

"Yes, this is the first time I've come to your workplace. We usually just meet outside."

"Do you want to check yourself? Is the mentalu in trouble?" Isaak asked me again in a joking tone.

"No, Isaak. I didn't come here to check myself out. But I want to ask you something about my friend who just came out of this room with your nurse."

"Is the pregnant woman your friend?"

"Yes, right. He was Felicia's best friend, Isaak. If I may know, what exactly happened to her?"

Isaak fixed his sitting position and touched some sheets of paper on his desk. He was silent for a while reading the sheet which was likely the result of Allura Gibson's examination. Then he replied, "All right. From the results of the examination that has been done, your girlfriend seems to have dysthymia."

"Disthy?"

"Yes, Dysthymia. It is a long-term chronic depressive disorder or parsistent depression. Is his interest in living everyday life decreasing with each passing day?"

"Yes, right. Even I felt his mood getting worse and worse. He is no longer as productive as he once was. He always felt inferior and hopeless."

Isaak nodded his head as if understanding my explanation. Then he said, "Yes, people with persistent depressive disorder will find it difficult to feel happy, even during happy times. It's like having a gloomy personality, not being able to have fun until it's easy to complain."

"Is dysthymia the same as major depression, Isaak?"

"Although dysthymia isn't as severe as major depression, it can last for years. If the disease is congenital, it is caused by the presence of relatives who have the condition. If it's caused by an event in her life, such as the loss of a loved one or a financial problem, high levels of stress can trigger the disorder."