Dum Spiro, Spero
When The Rain Falls

Baskara left a lot of things in Jakarta, especially things that are closely related to Jeffrey, his father. There was almost nothing he brought about the man, even for just a memory of how good their relationship was long before all these disasters happened. How he used to glorify the figure of Jeffrey and roar to the world that he will grow up to be like that man when he grows up later. How he used to see Jeffrey as a cool figure, a great figure who was able to love his mother in all situations.

When he first discovers his father's attitude has turned into an alien figure, Baskara only thinks that perhaps the great love the man has for his mother has run out, and she thought that kind of things were common in adult relationships. He tried to understand, trying to understand that feeling was the most impossible thing to force. Just like her who can't fall in love with anyone other than Sabiru though things go more complicated after their breakup over the years. However, as things got worse and she finally found out that the real reason for the man's change in attitude was that he had another child out of wedlock, that revelation is no more.

Baskara hated Jeffrey, so much so that there was no longer a good memory that had been carved by his father for a dozen years they lived together. What is always imagined in Baskara's head every time he heard his father's name is just the single thought that the man is nothing more than a bastard, a coward, and the most selfish man on earth.

What makes Baskara even more unacceptable is the fact that the out-of-wedlock child his father has is apparently his own friend, who is, a good friend whom he had considered like a brother and was always the first person he looked for when he was having difficulties. A child whose life is so poor, does not know who his father is, did not get affection from his mother. The label ‘anak haram’ is closely attached to the friend, and all Baskara can do to help is by not asking anything, no mention of the father who actually is very close to himself.

Baskara's life is sad because the father she is proud of is not that good, but she realizes that the life of Fabian, the friend she cares for, is even more ruined because to the end, he still couldn't get his rights as a child. Jeffrey messes things up, and Baskara has no power whatsoever to put things back where they were.

In fact, when he ran this far, Baskara still could not escape the guilt of the injustice Fabian had received throughout his life. Although he knows this is not his fault, though he knows all these responsibilities should be taken on by Jeffrey as the main culprit of all the chaos that exists, Baskara still can no longer stand upright let alone to bring up the face in front of Fabian.

Tonight, as the sky shed sobbing tears that many people stopped spending Sunday evenings outside, Baskara sat alone on the porch. The guilt that hit him so hard again. He's busy wondering. If only Jeffrey had a little courage to take responsibility for Fabian, would things be better now?

“Bas,” Baskara just greeted the call with a slow deh. His gaze was still reluctant to switch from the occasional rainy spots hitting his feet when the wind was blowing too hard. “Cold, let's go in.”

Baskara sighed so long and in slow motion. Then with a pushy smile looking at the tips of his bare toes, he said softly, “Inn will still feel cold, Bi. Nothing can make me feel warm as long as this guilt continues to haunt.”

In the place where he stood, Blue bit his lower lip quite strongly. The smell of rancid spread because he made his lips tear slightly. Then after pressing his own chest firmly, he walked over.

“The guilt continues to exist because you petihara.” Blue said, only to make Baskara turn and then laugh discordantly.

“Should remain lo opponent. Keep pushing until he's gone and don't have the courage to come back.” This Blue has said many times, but they still get to the point where the guilt actually comes on a larger scale, causing a tightness that feels many times more severe. “If you can't do this to make your life better, at least this lakainin for Fabian. I'm sure he won't squirm lo kayak gini, Bas. He loves you, cuz you’re his dearest friend. Lo is always on his side, and vice versa. He definitely does not want to see you bear the guilt that does not belong to lo.”

“But he left me.” Baskara. “He left me without a word of goodbye, Bi.”

“He's just trying to heal himself, Bas, just like what we did. The grief over the loss of his mother is too deep, and he just needs time to make peace with the situation.”

“And the only way for him to make peace is probably by not wriggling me again for the rest of his life.” Baskara gathers himself. Because if he was in Fabian's position, he would probably take the decision to no longer be in touch with people from the past who contributed too much grief in his heart.

“And what if it turns out he actually needs lo, because now there is nothing else he can make a place to go home after the only family he has already returned first to the lap of God?”

“He will always be able to find others, Bi. I'm not that special to Fabian. Wiggling I will definitely make him keep the same mother constantly, and that is something bad.”

“Bas,”

“After.” Baskara interrupted again. “Gue wants to be here any minute, yes. Go in first, I'll follow.” And the sentence is similar to a subtle swipe for Blue to leave immediately, not disturbing the agenda of the celebration of sadness that Baskara is living.

Finally, with the chest tightness and despair that almost took away his sanity, Blue relented. He pulled a step back, went inside the house and let his lover reflect again, alone when the rain was falling more and more.

Seriate