Project : Alterization
Chapter 17's
In the morning when the sky was still dark and black clouds were clumping everywhere, I accepted a reality. Yes, the bitter reality is as bitter as unprocessed coffee beans. The weather today might be bad. The rumbling is now heard. The drizzling spots began to fall there and here. The black clouds increasingly clumped to form a sinister figure colomunimbus. The dark cloud now covers some corners of the world. Little lightning began to strike each other above the sky. It seems like there will be a storm soon. A storm that will make everything go awry. Chaotic, as my mood is right now. Imagine, after not being accepted shuqqoh tahfidz, rejected MD, and now I lost the MH4 race this damn me. I tried as much as I could.
It wasn't as bad as I thought. There was only a regular drizzle that morning. And the disappointment in my heart did not last long either. Maybe just a side effect from the shock I experienced. The day went on as usual. Go to school, lunch, exercise, bath, maghrib prayer, baqo' afternoon, isya prayer, and sleep. I thought the impact of my fall would be worse than I am now. Hopelessness, school strikes, laziness to do anything, and other things. The proof is that none of this happened. Oh yeah, of course you are. I'm used to it. Didn't I always experience this kind of thing? Being bullied, being ostracized, always losing out on various rivalries, and never being considered at all, no matter how hard I try. They never admit to me. I'm just a nose that's never been considered to exist.
Haha. Myself laughing. Look at it, acknowledged by many. Confession and confession again. Why a confession? It is as if confession is a condition for living peacefully on this earth. I still do not understand what the essence of something called confession is. Is that as important as it is? Or even if without thinking about it, maybe we will be able to more calmly live this life. I don't know! Really don't know. Nevermind! Don't bother me with convoluted thoughts about this confession. I'm fed up! Unconsciously my eyelids are wet with tears. I sob. Me who was curled up on this mattress, disturbed to accidentally let out tears. As much as I can keep myself out of the eyes of others. How sad this fragile me is.
I know I can't linger like this. Living life with blank eyes, as if this is the end of it all. Nah! Even this has not started yet. If I am not able to and stop just getting to this point, then I do not deserve the title of success. Success is impossible for the weak. Only mentally and physically strong people could run to the last point. I don't want to be weak. Therefore, I decided to bounce back from this defeat. Back to heart, a little bit to be like before. Go back to my usual routine, and go back to the habits I've been living for a long time. Write. At least this habit could distract me for a while. I no longer think about the calamities that have been hitting me lately.
Time goes fast. This month is the middle of November. Countless to one more month until the day of return arrives. And of course, the end-of-semester assessment is approaching as well. Second after second continued to walk, along with all of them who were getting closer. Makes us inevitably have to prepare for the final test before this return. Thematic books began to appear in the hands of students who went to the mosque. Which usually holds a mushaf to read, now changed the hardest textbooks to be tested. I'm exception. When everyone was busy reading the book, I was busy continuing the story I was writing. They flipped through the pages of the book, while I skillfully swung the pencil on the paper. It's not that I don't care about the lessons to be tested. Rather, as I had said at the beginning, I was used to learning the way the speeding system was last night. I think that's the most optimal method of learning if it's operated within me.
In between the remaining time, I am also still continuing the process of forming my writing organization. The most important principle in building an organization is members. Although the form, purpose, vision-mission, and name of the organization already exist, but there is no most important building element that is a member, then the same organization can not be called an organization. Like the framework of a semi-finished building that has not been filled with bricks or coated with cement. Easily fragile and easily broken. Therefore, little by little I began to look for my writing friends who were also willing to participate in this writing organization. One by one they came. I offered them to join this organization I was starting. At least one or two people agreed to join us. That was enough to fill in the number of members in the proposal I was writing.
In the midst of the formation of the organization, while I was busy here and there looking for information, there was even a series of disputes whose causes were trivial between me and Rois Khalid. That morning I was memorizing my memorization in the front of the shaf at baqo time' morning after the morning prayer. And coincidentally next to me, Rois Khalid was also sitting there memorizing. We sat together. Suddenly when I mispronounced my reading a little, Rois Khalid without a direct cue let out an unsolicited justification. I also confirmed my reading as Rois Khalid warned. It really doesn't matter if it's just one or two times. But he did it repeatedly. Every time I mispronounced a single letter, it instantly confirmed as if he was the most mutqinous person.