NOT PERPETRATORS
Wrenching Times (Only Once Betrayed, Not For Both Times)

"Imania, I'm falling in love with you too late."

How shocked to hear the statement of Bastian. She ... She's in love with me? Did I just hear wrong?

"Mas ... w-what do you mean?"

"I like you, Imania. I ... I .. I'm in love with you."

The deg! Our eyes stared at each other. Those wet eyeballs glistened for a moment, as they said that sentence. A word I never heard in marriage to him. A sentence I never even imagined.

"Since when?"

Mas Bastian squeezed my fingers tightly. Those eyes kept staring at me inside. "Since after I dropped three talaq on you."

I looked at him not understanding. However, Bastian immediately told about his feelings at that time.

"You remember, when my father was in the hospital. He had a heart attack because of me. When he was in a coma, I was really stressed. I hate myself. I ... I can't forgive myself, if something happens to me."

Yeah, I remember that incident. Mas Bastian was back to telling stories, while I was nostalgic.

"That's where I see you. There, I realized that I was jealous every time Dimas approached you. I don't like you being close to him. I hate to see you making out with him. I ... I'm jealous of Imania. I'm jealous," said Bastian with soft eyes.

His statement made me fall in. I still didn't expect Bastian to make a statement like this.

"Imania, you remember, when you found me sleeping in the hospital corridor. Then you put your hand on my forehead. And you looked so panicked to get me sick. You ran to the cafeteria, and you came back with porridge and warm tea at the hospital. At that time .. I was already in love with you."

Not felt, I was so moved to hear the words of Mas Bastian about me. So unconsciously, the clear circles in my eyes drip back.

"One more. You remember when I approached you at your parents' house. When you fell down while you were going to get the keys to the closet. And you sprained. You remember?"

I'm nodding. However, unable to look at him. I worry about falling again if it gets too washed away in the past.

"And I massaged your feet under the shade of your face. At that moment .. I looked up. Then all I saw was an angel's face. In my eyes, you are so beautiful. I am so excited to look at your face. And you blushed in shame. Truly, Imania, you are so beautiful and perfect. And I'm late to realize you .. with my feelings."

"Maas ...."

"Imania, look at me!" pinta mas Bastian clasped my fingers tightly.

I also looked at that wet face. Staring at the eyes that were still giving off that regretful dew.

"In our divorce days. I'm so tormented. God tormented me with regret and jealousy. My chest is painful and tight. Especially when hugging you in front of the Office of the Religious Court at that time. I felt the pain, releasing my heart that was already split," said Mas Bastian.

"You know, which hurts more between heartbreak and regret? For me regret is the most painful. Because in my time of regret, my heart not only felt pain and broken, but also broken."

Our eyes exchanged memories. It was like reopening those sad times. The hardest time when we have to be sincere and willing to let go of a heart that can no longer be had.

"Imania, if time could be replayed. I want to fix myself." There was a light of seriousness in Bastian's words to me.

"Now .. You already know everything. My regrets, my pain, and my love that suddenly appeared from that moment ... until now," said Mas Bastian again.

"Mas .. didn't I say. No need to regret everything that happened. If the past is sad and full of regrets. We still have a future full of happiness and hope. So .. Stop bemoaning the past. Just focus on a better future," I tried to advise.

Both eyes of Bastian gleaming. Remove the dew of his eyes from his cheeks. A smile flashed across his face. "What ... does that mean ... is there still hope for us to be together again, Imania?"

Bastian's question surprised me and shut me up for a moment. It seems that Bastian has misunderstood my words. I say that to each of us, not to get back together.

I threw a smile at him. I placed my left palm on the back of Bastian's hand, which was holding my finger tightly. "Mas .. I've considered you a friend ever since the three talaqs you dropped that night. I've completely chalked yourself up. I insist on understanding you. Letting you love Bella, letting you live with her. I've stretched my chest out wide, even to get to know Bella."

Bastian looked at me seriously. Both eyes still shine hope. And that makes me less. But I cannot give him that hope.

"You know? When you said to me that night, you were impregnating someone. That's where my heart has been broken, broken. I'm ...." I sobbed again in light of the events of that night, before Bastian's mas dropped three talaq on me.

Mas Bastian looked down deeply, as if he had realized something was wrong with him, something he had done to me.

"At that time my heart was broken. Crushed to pieces. I ... I feel there's nothing more I can maintain. I have been faithful to take care of my feelings for you. And it's all for nothing." I sobbed, recalling the tightness that stood in my way that night.

"If only, you wouldn't have gotten Bella pregnant. Maybe I can still hold on for my son. But ... Love cannot be forced. No matter how hard we force, love will be even more torturous. Therefore, I ask that you immediately drop triple talaq on me. So that half my broken heart will soon collapse and come off my chest."

"Imania, I'm sorry .. forgive me ...." Mas Bastian again sobbed while bowed.

I laughed a little in my tears. Laughing at my own stupid self. "More ridiculous, I ask you to bring Bella—the woman you've hamili. Asking you to introduce me to him. And you know why I did that?"

Mas Bastian raised his face, looking at my already soaked netraku.

"You think I used to meet him? No, Mas. Pain ... tightness .. poignant. My heart is wounded, my. But I tried to hold him. I tried to smile sweetly at him. Trying to show my elegant side, that I'm fine. I am very fragile. I was badly injured then, Mom. I'm ...."

I can't continue my words. I thought, I've really stockpiled those wounds deeply. In fact, when we think back to those times. The wound on my chest was like it was back open. Perih .. tightness.

Kuseka many times my face, while Bastian mas who participated sobbing also wiped his wet face.

"Sorry ...." Bastian began to say again. "I don't know what can heal your wounds. I can only say sorry. I ... I don't know what to do."

"Enough to live each of our lives, Mas. Don't mention those times anymore. Because honestly, I'm not as strong and as good as you think I am. Even now, my soul is fragile. I still have the trauma of being in a serious relationship with a man. I don't want to be hurt anymore."

"That means, there's no chance for me to bring you back, Immania?"

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. Then reopen these eyelids. Looking at both eyes Bastian. "Already three talak you dropped that time. I've erased my deep love for you, until there's nothing left."

Mas Bastian chuckled, then smiled at me. He took a deep breath, and said, "I hope you are happy with the man, who is very lucky, because he is able to get your love, Imania."

"The same prayer for you. Be happy with Bella. Accept him as he is. May you understand each other and always love."

After gushing all feelings, we laughed at each other. We each wiped our wet faces. We realized that there was a sad and silly story between us. A story I want to hoard deeply, so as not to remember it again.

"Papa?" shouted Arka who was already standing by the pool, looking towards us.

Mas Bastian realized his promise to play water with Arka. For a moment he looked at me again and said, "We're still friends, right?"

"Of course," I said, smiling.

Mas Bastian immediately stood up and moved towards Arka. At the edge of the pool, he undressed, leaving his shorts. He immediately threw himself into the water. As if there was nothing, Bastian immediately laughed happily with Arka. Many times I saw Bastian dipping his face into the water and rubbing his eyes. As if to remove the remaining rain from both eyeballs.

I'm not a very strong woman, let alone a great one. I'm just an ordinary woman. Once wounded, I can be fragile. Once betrayed, not a second time. But I am not a hater. I am always ready to take heart to forgive, but not to take it back. Once enough I felt the pain of the wound of betrayal. (Imania Saraswati)

***

After playing water in the water park, Mas Bastian invited us to eat at Rudi's restaurant. We also agree. The food at Rudi's restaurant was delicious, which is why, we have not been able to move on from the menus of Giant Restaurant.

After arriving at Giant Restaurant, we entered and took a seat. A waitress came with a menu book. Some of our menus are ordered according to each taste.

Not long after, the waitress came back with a menu of our orders. We also immediately ate a delicious dish.

As we were eating, my eyes were suddenly startled by two people who had just entered and headed for the seat. A man and a woman who were holding him were friendly.

When I was looking at him in surprise, the man's eyes met mine. They walked towards a table not far from our place. The man immediately took his eyes off me. As if trying to be funny with my existence.

"Imania, is that Dimas and Nessa?" fania said while pointing towards those who were sitting.

- CONNECTED --

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