I'm Not the Perfect Wife
Ku Niches

How else can I continue the word. If my hope is already as if it can not open a spare... All too heavy when felt, when all piled up in my wishful thinking. Disappointed, hurt as if everything wasn't fair to me. However, this wound is too deep because I am too deep to put a hope on us. Our words that can no longer be put together. It will never be put together in the bond I crave. However, how do we come together, if my trust has been broken. My heart and my heart are no longer intact. Everything so floating, my body exists but as if it is directionless.

My days are just a must. It's no longer a wait. My body exists but it seems lifeless. My life exists but it seems tasteless.

I always try to get up from this. Dira has hurt my heart, and I have made a great choice. Decided to choose another man who would accompany my life. It is no longer a matter of being a lover. But, to cover all the rest of my life. And I can't stay at this point. It wouldn't be fair if I treated Rey like this. Because Rey is not wrong, Rey is only part of my future, Rey will fill my days ahead. And I can't stop here. I have to keep stepping. Continuing my life. Continuing my time.

My niche in the night.

Only in prayer have I devoted all my prayers to the owner of this body, during my preparations for this marriage. As long as I try to make peace with my wishes, I don't want to stay in my slump. And it's not fair that I involve others in this. Accompanied by a prayer, "will Rey, the real one who will be my companion in life".

I don't know how long I cried, cried over my life, I was unconscious, who loved Dira too deeply. I can't see many wounded hearts. Many hearts that I hurt just for the sake of my hope to Dira.

I don't know until when these tears will continue to cry over the obvious things they won't be together. Things that will not be intact again.

Prayers in the third of the night for my future companion

*Oh man whom my Lord has chosen to fill my days.

O the man whom my Lord has chosen for me as my companion.

O the man whom my Lord has chosen for us to walk together in a marriage.

This marriage is a long journey.

marriage is no longer a process that can only be chosen.

For me, marriage is the final decision.

A decision that will no longer have a split word in it.

A decision that is as bad as anything in it should still look beautiful.

A decision I must be able to keep intact.

A decision that is no longer just a word.

Make my purpose your goal.

Make my hope your hope.

Make my dream your dream.

And make me this to be us.

We will continue to walk with each other.

We'll join each other.

We will always be bound in holy bonds.

Because marriage for me is a long journey that must be fought*.

Rey was my choice, and Rey chose me. There's not much I know about Rey. Moreover, her despair, back then, that second, I never asked if you loved me?.

And I never whispered I loved you Rey.

Everything just goes by. Rey and I just followed the plot. Where this wedding is going. But, either my faith is living all this as if it does not waver. Not a single doubt. The decision that all of this would have meant nothing.

I don't know Rey personally too deeply. I'm just presenting Rey as my wound healer. Rey my elixir.

It really messes up my life...

And no one knows about this.

I all put it in prayer. May Rey be the answer to my prayers.

Tomorrow is my wedding day.

Yet these eyes were still reluctant to close them. The kinsmen had already gathered, the distant ones were approaching, the close ones were helping each other, the sister brothers were all working together. Everyone was busy from yesterday. Then I just kept quiet I never thought I'd do anything. Because, "the bride-to-be is in the room, don't hold this, that, just shut up"

hhhmm ok I was just quiet and closed the door again.

Night is coming tomorrow for my wedding. I can't close my eyes, but at home it's not so crowded because of the wedding party at the title in the building.

In the silence of the night, when all began to fall asleep in fatigue, I awakened to a restlessness that I knew what I was doing the extraordinary decision, which I had chosen. I tried to take ablution water, perform the evening prayer, return it all to Him, to the owner of this body. My backrest and confidence have no place to speak my true heart and mind. Besides, in prostration and prayer. My tears continued, not out of regret for what I chose. However, it will be the choice I choose.

In my bow,

"Pray in this night, O God You are the owner of this body, the owner of this heart, the owner of this path there is nothing I can plan for without your permission, there is no path I can walk without your Ridho. What I will go through tomorrow, if You are Ridhai then give me smoothness. However, if he is not my soul mate then show him. O Lord, give this peace of heart, the serenity of the choice I have chosen. O Allah .. if indeed this is a decision to make me a wife. So, make the servant a wife who can be devoted to my husband. Make me an obedient wife to my husband. And, whatever the condition of my husband may I continue to accompany him as I worship only because of You.

Make my hope my faith in you.

May this marriage be my worship to you. And may this marriage be our worship of You."

This bow and prayer, at least makes my heart calm.when it shows at 02.30 am, I briefly tried to close my eyes so that this morning I did not look so tired.

The dawn adhan also reverberated.

April 25 .