I'm Just a Figurant
[POV Alex] Ch 97 - A Heart Destroyed

I really can't express how I feel. My heart is broken, completely broken. The Khansa that I thought could be a solace and heal the pain of betrayal also left me.

I was about to rise, but then I was dropped again. This feeling is more painful than ever. My body will not be able to accept it.

Am I not that valuable? So that the people near me would betray and abandon me? Is it as bad as I am until they act like that?

"Hooeeekk... Hooooeekk..." I'm vomiting great. Dino was always by my side. He patted my back. After I stopped vomiting, he took me to the UKS. In the UKS my condition also did not improve. I just rested for a while, then I vomited again. Seeing that my condition was not improving, he took me to the hospital.

The feeling of being rejected and abandoned made me sick to myself. I felt so worthless that my existence in the world seemed futile. My psychological state made my body reject my own existence.

I keep vomiting great. No food can enter my body so that other means are used through the administration of intravenous fluids.

For a few days at the hospital all I did was throw up, sleep, vomit, sleep, and so on. I want to forget everything. I wanted to forget that the only person I wished I could be by my side also left me.

***

I don't know how many days I've been in the hospital. Now I'm in the crying phase. I didn't vomit anymore, but cried more. Every time I remember Khansa's words I cry. The pain still exists. I don't know how to cure it? Can I get up again after this?

My expectations of Khansa are huge. I thought our relationship was okay all along. Khansa wants to accept me as her friend. It doesn't look like that. Khansa accepted me by force. Maybe I don't deserve to be close to him. I'm not good enough to be next to him. I really don't have any confidence anymore.

***

This phase made both my parents and my best friend worried. I woke up from sleep just to cry. Falling asleep in a state of crying. It lasted for a few days.

My mental condition like this made my parents bring in psychologists. But I still refuse to speak. It's free to talk, it won't change my condition. I still choose to be quiet.

I was discharged from the hospital because my physical condition was fine. I'm back home. I remained silent and refused to speak. One day, Diana and Aaron came to my room separately. Maybe they think my cause is like this because of them. A little bit of it is because of them, but the main cause is because of Khansa.

The first one who came to my room was Aaron. My position is sleeping behind him. It looks like he's sitting on the floor. Maybe struggling?

"Hiks..." I heard his stuffing. Aaron crying. Then I heard the crying getting louder.

"Al... S-sorry Me... I am indeed br*ngsek. I have no defense. I'm guilty, hicks... Al... Do whatever you want. You can kill me... I'll take it... Arise Al, hiks... Hit Me to make you satisfied... Don't shut up like this, hicks... Huu... Excuse me... Ii'm sorry... Ii'm sorry...Huuo..."

Hearing Aaron say something like that made me feel empty. There was no pain or feeling to accept his forgiveness. Aaron in my eyes is still a brother br*ngsek.

Long Aaron was in my room crying and apologizing. But I still ignore it. I pretended to be asleep.

The next day, replace Diana who came to my room. Just like Aaron, he also cried apologizing to me.

"I-I didn't expect it to make you like this... I'm guilty of Al... Excuse me... Ii'm sorry... I'm sorry Al..."

"I-I don't know what we're doing is going to affect you like this... I know you don't love me Al... I know everything... B-but why did you become like this? This isn't you Al... Awake Al... Get angry at us... Take all your anger out on us... Don't shut up like this... Hix... Huuo..." I didn't respond to Diana. But the girl kept talking.

"I know I was wrong... But this mistake is not all there is to me... You must know it's Al... You don't really love me..."

"If you love me, you will take care of my heart... You know I don't like riding bikes, but you keep bringing bikes as if you purposely did it to keep us from getting home together..."

"You know I don't like you being close to her, but you ignore my wishes. You stay close to her, think of me as nothing..."

"You also know that I like going to the salon, but instead of going with me, you go play with him. When you're not there like that, Brother Aaron is always there for me. He's filling your place. While you're busy meeting him."

"I know everything Al... Your heart is no longer for me. Your heart has been given to him... So don't be this pathetic as if you were the victim, because a little bit of your attitude is what drives me to do it."

"Wake up Al... Don't be weak like this. If you are angry, quickly vent your anger on Us!! Don't be a coward who stays silent like this."

Sometimes Diana spoke fondly, apologizing for her attitude. But sometimes he also speaks loudly, whipping me to end my silent actions.

For the next few days both Aaron and Diana took turns coming to my room. Carrying out the same mission. Apologize to me and hope that I'll be back to how I was.

The person I expected to have no presence. The person who might be able to make me recover doesn't come to me. It seems like he really hates me. I was completely abandoned.

***

Diana and Aaron's arrival started to make me think. Diana's words have a point, too. While dating her, I didn't really notice her. Far from being attentive.

My mind is so busy with Khansa that I don't think of anything else. It turns out the person I was thinking about wasn't thinking about me. He's sick and hates me. The feeling of being hated by a loved one is very painful. I don't feel worthy to live in this world.

Dino comes to cheer me up every day. To persuade me to go back to school again. Diana and my parents did the same.

One day, I reach a point, I will make peace with them. I don't really forgive them both. I'm just trying to make peace. I decided to go back to school again.

***

Happy Reading 🙃