Heartbreakers
06. Ospek

Six hours. We waited for six hours until Hedi finally opened the door from the outside. Brother Hedi was a no-bussy find us squealing in shock as he slumped inside when the door opened suddenly. Clearly knocked down, Keenan and I had fallen asleep behind the door exhausted from chatting nonstop.

From Kak Hedi, the incident spread quickly to all SLSY members. As with most gossip, we cannot silence the news. I understood what Keenan said the other day about his news with Dinda. So that's what we did after that, three semesters later.

Although not infrequently, after the news spread, I often received hate letters. The letters usually come from one or two of the same people, who are sent continuously. However, Keenan knows. I kept all this from him. Just like the feelings I keep holding up.

It is not easy to remain ordinary when the treatment of Keenan—ini in my opinion— is not like a regular friend. He spoke softly, hardly ever yelling at me. He has also been around almost all my important time during these three semesters. Plus his habit of stroking the tip of my head and his invitation every week to go out together, either to the hill behind the hotel or to another new place. All of his treatment felt so different, not just an ordinary friend. During these three semesters, everyone I knew even envied me who could be that close to Keenan. It really frustrates me.

In this case, let's just say I reneged on my promise. The fact is I always pretended not to put any taste in Keenan. Too bad I had to lie to her constantly. However, I cannot deny, my biggest fear is that one day he knows everything about me and my feelings, whether from me or from others.

I wonder, what would happen if Keenan knew the truth? Maybe he will refuse to talk and meet me. Maybe he'll be mad at me. Or worst of all, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know Keenan. He hates being lied to and used. Damn, his point of view could have judged me that way.

My little heart whispered, asking me to tell Keenan the truth. That way I can keep my promise and feel relieved. There was even a chance that he might have the same taste as me, judging from his habits during these three semesters.

But my brain said something else. I can't do anything until Keenan knows for himself. It might be more painful for Keenan to know about it than anyone else, but at least Keenan knows that I am sincere in not demanding more. After all I have lied, even if I am honest now, my past lies remain a lie. It can no longer be turned into anything. Moreover, how do I convey all this? Come to him and say, “Hai, Keenan. I've liked you all this time,” while smiling wide just like that? I'm so ridiculous. Obviously it can't be.

Four days and four nights I was upset about it. Maybe it doesn't matter to Keenan or everyone else. But I feel I need to know the truth. I can't keep guessing. I can't torture myself much longer. My relationship with Keenan must be confirmed, just like when I confirmed Keenan's relationship with Dinda first.

“There is no harm in talking. Even if it doesn't work, at least you have some certainty. At least you know what you have to do after that, either survive or go.”

“So that woman is hard, but must always be strong, Nduk. We are indeed bound to eastern culture not to pursue men, but for Mother there is no harm in asking. It would be better if we knew the truth. So, the time ahead will not be wasted for free things.”

That's two pieces of advice from Mom. Adding a reason for me to really ask my biggest question.

The fourth night, I finally decided. I have the right to ask her how she feels. I deserve to know the truth. Even if I knew that my honesty might hurt him, but it was worth my time in the future. I seem to be selfish. But, as Mother said, at least I have a certainty.

Tomorrow I finish college, I'll ask him directly. I told myself that again before I went to sleep. I remember it so I don't forget.

The next day, my school schedule changed. Ms. Amel wants extra hours in the afternoon to replace her once-empty class. I had to postpone my intention. If Keenan's empty tonight and wants to see me, I promise to ask him soon.

Although a college and faculty, but I rarely met him. I was always busy with my class assignments and rarely went to the cafeteria. Somehow with him. So I just messaged him while on campus. I am grateful that he never protested or objected. Besides, being with him on campus was blatantly like calling my own death. Just like in High School, he remains a popular person who will never go unnoticed.

At exactly 6 p.m., Ms. Amel ended her class. Two hours with the terrible lecturer was really a hefty challenge. It's not a matter of hardship to go to college, but every Miss Amel who teaches the world seems to go slower. To the extent that drowsiness always approached if Bu Amel started to open his mouth—I mean speaking— in front of the class.

Out of class, the sky is dark. Dark because of dusk also because of cloudiness. Quickly I rushed to the motorbike parking lot as my phone rang: Ansa called. I picked up the ring and I heard what his heart meant. Accident, he reported an accident. His mother was hit by a fall hit by someone. The attacker ran because the victim was lying on the street covered in blood, whether alive or not. And Ansa immediately followed to the hospital as soon as she got the news.

That was Ansa's problem. I don't really care. However, the bike Ansa used to catch up with her mother was my bike. Since morning he had borrowed it, when I just arrived at the parking lot, for the purpose of surveying the location of the next donation. That's why he called and told me.

Unknowingly, I exhaled a disappointed breath. The universe doesn't support me. Even now, the rain starts to fall. Forced to step back into the hallway of the campus, taking shelter while thinking how I would meet Keenan and say everything.

“Like really dumb?” greet someone while pulling my default book suddenly, “oh you learned to use this book too? Same dong!”

This special sound. Without even looking, I knew it was Keenan. He walked side by side with me, following me up the campus hallway.

“You are not afraid in this dark campus hallway alone?” he asked while whispering. His hands pointed along the dim and deserted campus hallway. Obviously, there are only a few classes—including classesku— throughout this campus that have a schedule until this afternoon. “It is a good thing that I am still waiting for you here,” show off Keenan with a big smile.

“You're waiting for me?” much to your surprise, “why?”

His shoulders are pengedik, “Because I think I have a feeling you can not go home alone today.”

My forehead waved in wonder. My eyes squinted, suspicious of where he knew it. Before I could ask, she explained that Ansa had told me and asked her to take me home. Ansa had tried to contact me during class, but I didn't expect that she would contact Keenan as well when I didn't answer her call.

I had no choice but to agree. Anyway, I need some alone time with Keenan. Now it feels like God himself helped me.

We walked down the aisle to the car park. It just so happened that Keenan brought his car today. He also wouldn't mind replacing me with my two rather thick package books all the way to the car park. Sometimes he even deliberately scares me by telling ghost stories and pointing to any place he thinks could be a haunted house.

“Ra, we eat boiled noodles first huh before going home? I'm hungry, hehe,” permission Keenan when the car engine starts roaring. My head automatically nodded because it felt like I needed more time to start what I was going to say. As well as filling my stomach that has been protesting to be filled. The extra class of Bu Amel is really draining.

Just ten minutes into the ride, Keenan had already marginalized his car. Simple stalls on the roadside is already common so our subscription. Although it was just an ordinary boiled instant noodle, but it felt really amazing. Especially when it is cold because of this rain.

All right, I'll start saying it now. I don't think there's a better time than now.

“Keenan, I want to talk,” mulaiku. My eyes were firmly staring at him, observing his expression as four of my words came out. However, he immediately looked down as he looked back.

“I know,” reply relax, “but not now. Let's eat first. Later on the road. Agree?”

His smile then came out. The aura is different. It was as if he was someone I did not know. I'm dead flea. I had to agree to her request and eat in silence. It's the first time in three semesters that he and I have been quiet.

I really prepared my mind after two bowls of toilet noodles in front of us. We didn't even fight to determine who paid for the order. He did not speak directly to pay and went to the car. Really, it's really thrilling.

Why does it feel so far away?

After I finished hooking the safety belt, the car started to run. I reworded all the sentences I wanted to get out. Looks like I have to be super-duper careful not to make him misunderstand.

“Au—”

“This is yours,” he said cut my voice. His hand held out a folded piece of paper. A tear that felt so familiar in my brain.

My eyes widened as my hands opened their folds. That's the letter I've been looking for for the past year and a half. How could this letter have been returned by Keenan? I'm sure he's read this letter. I think it's weird today. I wonder where he got this letter. But my voice was reluctant to sound.

“I've found it a long time ago, before you searched for the letter.” Keenan started his explanation, “Sorry for lying to you long ago.”

I was silent, not knowing what to say. It's not what I imagined. It should have been Keenan who was silent from surprise, but it turned out that I was the one. His plan I could never guess.

“When we locked in the storage room first, actually it was intentional. Your mother asked me to keep you from coming. He knew the trial would hurt you a lot,”. Every now and then Keenan turned his focus to me, making sure I was still listening to every single sentence. “I also know my character in your story was originally just an excuse. And sorry, today Ansa also lied because I.”

This was beyond my expectations. I really didn't think Mom would do that. Ah, it's appropriate that Mom didn't comment when I came home that night. Not only do you understand, but you also know everything.

Thought whirring. If Keenan knew everything long ago, then what does three semesters mean? Who actually lied to whom?

“Why didn't you ever say anything to me?” tanyaku. Now I want to demand an explanation. Caring for the devil with my original purpose of meeting him today.

“Because you never asked. Because I think you can survive and continue to be my friend. You said you gave up, so isn't it that nothing will change even if you know all this?” answer Keenan lightly, “the best can always last until the end.”

I'm stunned. He deliberately played me. Keenan did intend to tell me when I couldn't stand it. Doesn't this seem like a deliberate breakup?

“Good. So, what do you want?” sergeant hurry. Linger discussing this makes me careless too. Could it be that Dinda also experienced something like this? By the way, why does it feel like my home is so far away from campus?

“There are some things that cannot change. So, let's just be friends.”

Our conversation is over. Keenan ended it with a satisfied smile while my lips locked tightly. My chest feels like it's about to explode. It's like I was rejected before I said anything to her.

Not two minutes later, the car stopped. We got to my front door. Without saying anything I went straight down, not caring about Keenan lending me an umbrella. Unconsciously my feet ran. My tears have seeped, united with the raindrops that have soaked my body.

The car drove back when I closed the gate. However, my feet feel stiff. My tears continued to fall until I could not tell my body that was shivering coldly or was disappointed to death. Perhaps this kind of sadness is what Mother feels when Dad admits his affair calmly and happily.

I can't go into the house right now. I will definitely be very anxious to see my miserable condition like this. It's getting stifled, so I'm gonna shed all my race with the rain getting louder. I'll rearrange everything so well that I forget I ever got down like this.

For five minutes I was silent and crying at the gate. Until finally the door of the house opened and Mother's figure came out while carrying an umbrella. He rushed up to me with an anxious and pitying expression. Look, I even feel sorry for me. I was right about making him worry.

Slowly he hugged me, not caring about his clothes getting wet. He didn't say anything, but I knew he understood what I thought. He shrugged my shoulders, inviting me to move into a warmer house. A house that can always cut the sadness of Mom and I. I am grateful to have my mother as my birthplace.

Just as I promised, I rearranged my feelings the first time I stepped into the house. Just when I saw his last basketball game, I gave up. Once again I gave up, right at the moment when I had the courage to express my taste. Next, shouldn't I always give up like this?

God is All-Turning Hearts.

***