MUSE
YEARNING

MUSE

EPISODE 21

YEARNING

\~For the second time I let that back away without being able to say anything.\~

My name is Amanda, the second of three children, Mama and Papa are very dear to my older sister and younger brother. Maybe for them I was just a child who was already present in the middle, and who should not be there.

“You are so stupid!! About easy gini aja can not.” Mama's nagging always ring clearly in my ear.

“See your sister, always ranked first. Your sister is always champion.” Mama was back nagging, she threw a report book right in front of my face.

“You so what are you tomorrow?” Papa always asks the same thing.

I'm lonely..

I thirst for love..

I want everyone to love me too..

Since grade 5 Elementary I decided to change my fate. I learned desperately so I could get a champion in class. I hope that with the achievements I have I can get a little attention from both my parents, at least they won't be angry with me anymore.

But it turns out Mama and Papa still don't look at me..

But beyond my estimation, my friends like my clever figure. They gave me the attention I never received with my parents. I am now becoming more diligent, until I managed to get the first champion.

Not only that, when Junior High I began to learn to dress up because of the invitation of my friends. I began to pout my hair neatly, styling my clothes, choosing beautiful clothes. Fortunately, the clothes my sister put on me are still pretty good.

I enjoyed my school days because many liked me, loved me, and loved me. I was always the center of everything when I was in school.

And what made me most happy at that time was Alex's confession of love.

“Sister, I like, want to date me?” alex's face was met with red, I looked at his thinly tall body. This kid is so cute and handsome.

Alex is a 2-year-old sister below me. I was in 3rd grade and she was in 1st High School at the time. Actually Alex was quite prominent in school, so a lot of girls in my class also liked Alex. So I decided to try to accept Alex's love. Trying to date someone, trying to receive a lot of love and affection.

“Bby, let's date.” I smiled and accepted Alex's hand. Alexpun smiled as he held my hand tightly.

At that moment, I felt a warmth rush into my heart. I don't know Alex yet, but I want to believe that he's my soul mate. The one I'll love all my life.

We dated for almost a year, sometimes quarreling, sometimes ignorant, sometimes sweet, sometimes stifling. I loved Alex so much, loving every memory that ever happened in our relationship. I was even willing to die for him at that time.

Alex often paints, he loves paintings. I also really like Alex's paintings, his paintings are really lively. Alex painted me 1 time, I brought the painting home but Papa destroyed it.

“You're dating that stupid kid!?”

“Alex is not a stupid kid, he is an achiever,” only this time I denied my parents, and it was for Alex's sake.

“Now you're being rude!! So dissident!” Papa slapped me in the face. Hot and painful, but the pain of papa's slap is not as painful as my heart.

“Love monkey only! Just disconnect!!” Mama attacked me.

“See your sister, she married a rich and kind man. Now his life is a blessing for our family.” Papa pointed to the wedding photo of his sister who was attached pretty on the wall of the living room. My mom and dad always prided themselves on it when guests came.

“I don't want to get married! I still want to go to school.” I begged Papa.

“Girls in a high-school village for what? Just get married, find a good guy from a rich family.” Papa again looked emotional, the entire vein in his neck stiffened.

I didn't answer, I just cried.

“Marry Amanda.” Mama's voice finally sounds soft.

“Ngak, Mom. Amanda does not want.”

“There are good, handsome, and from good family friends.”

“But, Ma.. Amanda still wants to go to college.”

“Lecture after marriage can also be!” Papa continued his anger.

“Mumpung he wants to marry you, opportunity does not come twice.” Papa left.

I fell down in front of Mama, I was still clasping Mama's skirt tight at the time. Crying and sobbing, I remained in my arms relentlessly, trying to find mercy from Mama.

Why do I always have to obey their orders to love me??

Why should I sacrifice myself and my feelings for them?

Then Alex..

I love Alex..

I don't want to part with Alex.

—MUSE—

“Alex we just broke up. I'm going to college in town,” that's the last thing I said to Alex before we parted ways.

At first Alex pleaded, but I just kept quiet.

Until he finally gave up and turned away. In my heart I thought of chasing him, chasing the broad back that kept me away. I wanted to scream so that he wouldn't give up on me, I wanted him to hang by my side.

But my throat was choked, not even a single tear dripped from my eyes. I was too disappointed to cry, too sad to scream, too sick to remember.

Every night I was lonely, the loneliness that used to be my friend now came back with me. I'm almost crazy for my longing for Alex. Every night I could faintly smell her scent, remembering the warmth and sweetness of Alex's lips as she kissed mine. Every night I groan because my heart hurts so much.

Even if I had to go crazy, I wouldn't regret that it was because of you..

—MUSE—

Two years I was in town after marriage, but Alex's figure remains irreplaceable. Now I have everything, thanks to my rich husband I can buy anything I want. I try to get rid of my longing for her by shopping, spending money, beautifying myself.

I myself never dodged, I took every blow as punishment for what I did to Alex. Maybe this is the karma I received for ever wasting her love. Throw away Alex's sincere love for me.

To the point that I was overwhelmed, I went back to my parents' house because my father was sick. I do not care about the pain that Papa suffered, for me enough to provide money from my husband, I have become a dutiful child. Right now I just wish I could meet Alex in the village.

It turns out that God still allows me to meet Alex. I almost cried because I was happy when I met him. Alex looks so handsome, and I want him so badly.

I promised to help him study in the city, this way we can still be close together. I could look at his face at any moment.

I pretended to love my husband in front of Alex. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I want him to know I'm happy with my life. His sacrifice was not in vain. But it seems that I even more hurt her heart.

Lonely in my heart..

My selfishness..

My Love..

Turned me into a woman who didn't even deserve the love of Alex or my husband. I betrayed them both in a complicated relationship. A sinful relationship.

Lust..

The love..

Desire..

Where did I first go?

I've forgotten it..

All I need is warmth..

Desire to be loved and loved..

My memories that love Alex so much. or the memories that need my husband so much?

“Amanda I can't continue our relationship.” I was shocked when Alex firmly told me this afternoon.

“Why?”

“There are other women I love.” Alex smiled, a red hue filled his face.

I threw away my face, I knew the time would come for Alex to love another woman and leave me.

I betrayed and abandoned him once, and it was so painful. Alex has experienced this, I remember saying the same thing.

It turned out that it was very painful, my stomach until it felt nauseous, grain by tear flowing from my eyes.

I squeezed Alex's shirt, cried on his chest.

I don't want him to love another woman.

I don't want him to give up on me.

I don't want to get lonely again.

I don't want to...

Don't wanna...

“I love her Amanda, like I've loved you before.” Alex rubbed my hair gently, tucking it behind the ear of every strand of hair that started to dishevel.

“Why?”

“Because he loves me too.” replied Alex.

That answer made my heart break. I love you too, Lex. Cintakupun no less big, even though I always lie to you.

“Kiss me for the last time,” my door.

Without hearing Alex's reply I wrapped my arm around her neck, kissing her lips.

The sweet and warm taste burst out, sedating me. I want to enjoy it one last time, feeling the breath of the man I love with all my heart.

“Alex.” a voice tickled me.

My eyes widened at him, a sweet girl with very white skin appeared behind the entrance. His face looked so shocked and shocked, I didn't expect it either.

“Alex the.”

Alex was stunned to see the girl, his eyes were also wide-eyed and his body was stiff. They looked at each other until Alex's voice broke the silence.

“Lenna.”

As Alex called out his name, tears came out of the girl's eyes.

He ran and Alex chased him. Alex kept calling out his name, many times still sounding until it finally faintly disappeared.

I closed my eyes, and tears came back. I fell on the floor, my body was limp, my legs were not powered up.

For the second time I let that back away without being able to say anything.

—MUSE—

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